So, I did watch Summerslam this time around. Found a neat little website and figured I might as well. I had heard some good things about the event the day after, so the likelihood of being robbed of my time was minimal.
The pre-show started off well. Aside from the weirdly hairy Shawn Michaels (even more than ever!), the match on display (free for all!) was darn good. I've always liked Jon Moxley, but since adopting the moniker of Dean Ambrose, he's been positively "on fire". Pit him against a Rob Van Dam in good form and you get a good match. The finish was to be expected, and I'm glad that he gets to keep hold of the US title for a little while longer.
The first match on the main card saw Bray Wyatt wrestle "for the first time". Against Kane no less. I didn't expect much of it, because an
Next up, Cody Rhodes defeated Damien Sandow. It's a logical progression, having Sandow lose once to his newly attained rival. The fact they repeated that on the following SmackDown slightly baffled me. He is the MITB holder, fellas. Give him some momentum...
As per usual, a potential main event is midcarded as Alberto del Rio defends his World Heavyweight Championship against Christian. Del Rio's submission victory is sad news (the return match on the SmackDown after is potentially even worse). Though, in all honesty ... as a lifelong "Peep", I'm quite biased. Big fan here. I'd even oil up his pecs if I had to. On top of that, whoever considered Del Rio main event material must have been hitting RVD's stash. He's a good wrestler and all (compared to a lot of people, at least) but I find him lacking in some way.
LO AND BEHOLD. A DIVAS MATCH. I paused and waited for a piss to come up before hitting play. Inspired by "Total Divas" (more on that coming). Natalya actually got match time. Quite the surprise considering her last real effort on tv was a farting gimmick. And she even won! hory shet!
But enough about that, because here's MOTY candidate to be. And as per CM Punk standards, it has become a MOTY contender. I've never considered myself a Lesnar fan. This match, however, was rock solid. Storytelling was on the money, Heyman involvement was plenty (but never unnecessary) and excitement was high. If at any point, wrestling matches could give me a boner (not counting Kaitlyn of AJ bouts), it would've happened right there. Lesnar obviously upped his game to run with Punk and the fans got treated to a top match. Kudos.
During the next match, my brain worked in overdrive as it suffered from a lot less blood flow. Kaitlyn and AJ ! And two other guys. Seriously though. Boners are hard to stay on (pun intended) when Big E. Langstons breast flop past your screen. Nice match, and nothing spectacular. But that's the bane of being sandwiched between MOTY candidates.
That's right. I just nominated a Cena match (!) as a MOTY candidate. Every right to, as well. I hate Cena's ring work as a much as the next guy, but it clicks with D-Bry. Even though Cena's lumpy elbow got in the way of the natural progression of the match, both were sickeningly on the money. like Punk/Lesnar, they got nearly half an hour of time and not once did it get remotely boring. An achievement for a match between a technical wrestler and a carnival strongman.
Then came the end. After a couple of attempts Bryan wins the WWE title. Note, Triple H was the special guest referee. Out comes Randy Orton, clutching his MITB brief case. Shit is slowly making its way towards the fan. He turns back towards the backstage. Triple H turns as well, but in the alignment sense. Pedigree on Bryan. Orton wallops to the ring, cashes in and wins the title Bryan held for 18 seconds.
RAGEFACE EVERYWHERE. I got it though. Triple H and Orton side with Macs, establishing them as full heels. That makes Bryan a huge babyface (big deal when Cena's taking time off to get surgery on his elbow done). Meaning that from now on (until Cena returns, let's be honest), Daniel fucking Bryan Danielson is the top babyface of the company. Oh, irony ... the cash in was completely logical. It also makes sense why Orton won the MITB for RAW in the first place. He gets his long awaited heel turn and the overlapping storyline is good to go. I'm almost making the mistake of being excited for it. Yikes.
A few days after the Summerslam event, Darren Young solidifies his nomination for the "duhhhh"- award after poetically describing his love for meat cigars to a random reporter for TMZ. I obviously thought he was gonna get fired.
How the times have-a changed. WWE decided to "BeAStar" and fully support Darren Young on his outing. Wat.
And they're even capitalising on his renewed popularity. (HE ACTUALLY HAD A PROPER WIN!). Somewhere, Chris Kanyon did a barrel roll in his grave. He'd have been a multi-time world champion if he'd been around during the days that Pat Patterson had some influence.
DISCLAIMER: Those are of course rumours that have been floating around. While it's commonly known that Pat Patterson is a connoisseur of flesh flutes, the stories of him forcing wrestlers to play a sonata on his are not proven. They seemed to be an excellent closing bit to this euphemistically phrased paragraph.
Here's the kicker of this entry. WWE produces Total Divas. Do I watch it? Yes.
Do I enjoy it? unfortunately, yes. Have I seen every episode currently aired? Yes, all five. Will I watch the rest of the episodes? ...
Yes. I know that shit is mostly scripted, but fucking hell. I enjoy it for what it is. The amalgamation of brain cells starring on that show barely makes it past four, but it's fucking funny. There's something about Daniel Bryan Danielson failing to chop a block of wood in his own backyard.
Also, John Cena has the coolest swimming pool. For real.
Now, in closing on a completely unrelated note. Being the sadist that I am, I subjected myself to the performance (ahem) given by Miley Cyrus at the VMA's. A true gift to the world, this one. I like weird shit, but this ...?
I don't think I could've cringed any harder if I had walked onto the set of a bukkake video featuring Gary Busey, Donatella Versace, Richard Simmons, Mickey Rourke and that wanker from Abercrombie & Fitch who looks like the offspring of Beetlejuice and a Gremlin, who had Down syndrome.
Well, you get the idea.
~D.
