Gameface OFF

bienvenidas a todos


No beating around the bush today. Last monday night, WWE announced the next installment in their ongoing videogame series. Much like last year, the company has done away with the SvR monniker and labels their next game WWE '13. I realise this videogame entry comes a far lot earlier than it did last year. There is a simple reason for that.


There simply won't be a review of WWE '13 by yours truly. After the gigantic clusterfuck that was WWE '12 (Labelled the best game they ever did, no less) I opted to stay the fuck away from anything that bears the WWE and PS3 logos). No matter how much THQ teases the smarks and idiots alike.


CM Punk is this years coverboy. Good, he deserves that kind of attention. That his face is on what is likely to be an abomination of a game is neglectable. The biggest teaser is the inclusion of an "attitude era". Supposedly 32 (!) Attitude Era superstars have been added to the game, aside from the 38 current stars. Damn you, THQ for making me want it somewhat. No, no, I must be strong. I can't bear to be annually disappointed.  


I must admit, THQ's taglines for the game are never false marketing. The game promises the most lifelike experience of sports entertainment. No wonder it blows for the most part.


They do it every year, though. Call it the best game ever and once you get it, you realise they've successfully trolled you for the 8th year in a row. Last years controls were probably the worst I've had to deal with and sure enough, this years controls have been "modified" again. Modified.... I'd read that as "completely overhauled so it'll take you months to figure out". Maybe I'm just slow. The best controls were SmackDown: SYM, which is by far my favorite game THQ has put out along with SmackDown!2: KYR. Good times, great mammaries.


That spelling error was intentional. Oh the big boobies-made-out-of-polygons I've observed during my teenage years...There's still a proper assortment of knockers to be found in the games, but I've reached the point in my life where giant nipplebags no longer outweigh the shitty gameplay. Too bad.


About the Attitude thing. It sucks that they included it, because now people start thinking that WWE is going to take an Attitude Era approach to their weekly product. You know, last year they dumped Brock Lesnar in the game and he signed on with WWE a couple of months later. Don't get your hopes up folks. Even if WWE decides to take that "attitude" approach  to their programming again, it still won't be like the olden days. Though it would make me curious.


Ah, dare I say programming hasn't been that awful lately? Christian returning as a face and getting a win streak going. The whole D-Bry/AJ Lee thing now involving Punk. How the fucking fuck is it possible that creative has gotten me interested in a romance angle?! THAT HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE!


Also, Skip Sheffield. One of the few big guys I find credible in any way. He's even over for crying out loud. I like him with this new/old Ryback persona. Personally, I like how they kept the best of his OVW/FCW Ryback (the animalistic fuck-people-up-mentality) and dropped the worst (Terminator-gimmick). 


I wouldn't say the same for one of my personal favorites. Antonio Cesaro, still better known as Claudio Castagnoli, is stuck in a love triangle (another?!) with Aksana and Teddy Long. Aksana ... I still don't see the benefit of having it around. She speaks very little English and she doesn't actually do anything except walk around and, for lack of a better word, converse.

Also, Ricola Bomb please. This GSN - Gotch Style Neutralizer may be a nice throwback to the legend Karl Gotch, it is far inferior to the Ricola Bomb (or the Alpamare Waterslide, still one of my favorite moves). Ah well, still waiting for Seth Rollins ... and Chris Hero. I still hope the latter will get a different name when he's called up.


~D.
    

Cornette's Impending Heart Attack

Alright, this pretty much leaves me dumbstruck. I have no witty snarl to accompany this obviously amazing piece of information that will take TNA into the next level (down, obviously). I can't help but wonder in what parallel universe this was conceived as a good idea.

This will probably be the thing that gives Jim Cornette a heart attack. After all, Jim must now regret being in the annals of a company that so willingly turns itself into a parody of a wrestling company (I'd like to throw the initials WCW around, for good measure). This is the kind of news that makes me wish someone like Jeff Jarrett was still in charge and Vince Russo headed creative. Yes, you read that correctly. I would sit through 5 years of spew originating from the foul mind of Vince Russo than to contemplate what the fuck Brooke Hogan has to do with pro wrestling and how Dixie Carter thinks this is brilliant marketing.

It will have some positive effect though. Maybe this will be the catalyst to make people realise what kind of cancer Hulk Hogan is to TNA, and the wrestling business in general.

Alas, people (the small portion that can be distinguished by their adoration for the red and yellow and total lack of social skills) will blatantly see past this as a great way to see wrestling and fap at the same time. Remember brother ... if you toss off to images of Brooke, I'd like to remind you that she's a spitting image of her beloved daddy.

Fuck this company.


D.

Also, the totally amazing graphic artwork cut sloppily from the TNA website is of course owned by TNA entertainment LLC. They can keep it for all I care.

How is it possible?

Evening


You know, I've been a little on the fence about WWE's current storylines. Again, it's hit and miss as usual. Brock Lesnar jobbing to Cena on pay per view was a decision I found odd, to say the least. 
It doesn't seem normal how you'd book a legit fighter as dominating in every which way, only to have him job merely one week later. Brock's return -> missed opportunity in my book.


CM Punk vs Jericho seems to have run its course now, and thankfully so. After their encounter at Wrestlemania, the storyline seemed to drag on. While none of the parties involved should be blamed, it seemed as if the writers were completely unable to write up a decent storyline.


The Daniel Bryan/ AJ saga is surprisingly good, and to have the petite nerdy girl turn into a violent psychopathic warbringer was completely out of left field and probably the most original decision possible. Fingers crossed they don't screw it up. This whole storyline also (re-)introduced me to NXT season three winner Kaitlyn. I hadn't really paid attention to her or what she'd been up to. I reckon it has to do with my aversion for diva matches. 


It's safe to say now I realised that for a woman with a bodybuilding background, she's smoking hot. Dare I say she even surpasses the "girl so nice they named her twice" Kelly². Of course, in my perennial search for searing hotness in divas, I tracked back and actually found out she's in one heck of a storyline on NXT. Didn't see that one coming, did ya?


Maxine, another NXT alumni is going around being abusive to Johnny Curtis and Derrick Bateman. First, she makes whoopie with Bateman, before moving onto Curtis and then back to Bateman, all the while physically assaulting both of them. In comes Kaitlyn, who establishes an instant bro-mance with Bateman (for lack of a better word). La-dee-da ... doesn't seem interesting you'd say. Well, here's my POV:


Johnny Curtis has an awesome gimmick, being all creepy and weirding people out. Derrick Bateman is probably the most naturally charismatic and comedic character employed by WWE right now. Kaitlyn's ability to act makes it awesome. And then there's Maxine. There's one character that should NEVER be turned face, much like Dolph Ziggler. She just has something vile to her, and basically ... it works, she's believable.


To top it all off, the rosy nipple on the juicy tit of storyline perfection is that both ladies can actually wrestle a match. Not bad for girls whose debut took place within the last 4 years.  Something for Kelly² to ponder over.


But wait, there's more! Damien Sandow, being all Jebusy and to be frank, plain cool. I hope to Perkele he'll have a better run this time around. Being one of Michelle McCool's teacher's pets didn't really fly well.


The rosy nipple on the second juicy tit, is Claudio Castagnoli's main show debut (as Antonio Cesaro, obviously)! Regardless of the way he debuted, as a love rival opposite Teddy Long (meh!), it's great to see someone who I've been watching for a loooong time (I'm talking Swiss Money Holding with Ares here) finally make it up there. The only thing I'm really bummed about is his finisher. While the "Gotch Style Neutralizer" is full of smart references, I miss the Ricola Bomb and even the Alpamare Waterslide.
I did see his elevated European Uppercut appear though ... phew. Now, creative team, bring me Seth Rollins, Dean Ambrose, Corey Graves and "Kassius Ohno" and I will love you long time.


Basically, this is it. I can't even believe I'm saying this, but now I'm looking forward to the next episode of NXT. For fuck's sake ... NX - fucking - T! Next thing you know, I'll be watching Nascar, hahahaha






Sayonara, and more juicy tits




~D.