Mistreatment

Hi


I saw a page on facebook where the 'admin' asked which WWE wrestlers were considered mistreated. I figured it would make for a nice blog entry if I took the names that were mentioned there and added my own commentary, as well as offer some names of my own.


First up

Charlie Haas.

There is one guy of which you could innately claim he was mistreated. At least as a singles competitor. Enjoying a moderate success tagging with Shelton Benjamin as the WGTT under the tutelage of Kurt Angle, but completely misused as a solo act. The guy had his chops, no doubt, but lacked virtually everything else. He was so insanely bland, it was almost torturous to watch him cut a promo. The mistreatment as such shouldn't have been a surprise. If you can't sell your act, you're essentially useless. 

The fact that Haas was rehired was a shocker, which made his second release all the more logical. Once he started to impersonate his opponents (and still jobbed to every single one of them), it was the proverbial nail in the coffin.

William Regal

Ah, one of my perennial favorites and also one of the most misused wrestlers in recent WWE history. Here's one guy who has everything. He's one of the best wrestlers to ever set foot in a WWF/-E ring and he will forever be remembered as the butt of many jokes, the most noteworthy of which come from Jericho. Here's one guy who is both skilled and entertaining, even having no issues garnering heel heat or deprecating himself as a rapper. 

Truthfully, his mistreatment is largely his own fault. Engaging in drinking (peeing on an airplane as a result), doing performing enhancing drugs ... which even caused him to miss out on a top heel position back in 2008. He had it all, winning KOTR, being cozy with Triple H and on his way to a top tier title. One steroid bust and it was all over. He's found a suitable position doing commentary and wrestling on occasion. He will still be the guy new guys go to for advice. With his experience, that might be the best suited option for him.


Paul Burchill

Also one of my favorites, to be honest. While he didn't get much of a chance at first, appearing on Velocity mostly (remember that? Because 75% of WWE's fanbase sure as hell doesn't!). Then came the pirate gimmick. That got over as fuck, for being simply fun and having a cool as fuck finisher. Of course, pirate gimmicks aren't for the long term. How it ended (disney lawsuit, necessity for knee surgery) remains a mystery. His Ripper gimmick was good, but never brought up to the main roster. That's until Katie Lea came on to the scene as his sister. And such was the birth of the incest gimmick. An incest gimmick that was painfully cut short because Linda wanted the senate seat of Connecticut for the Republican party and WWE became family friendly. Gone was incest gimmick, gone was any chance of Burchill to make it bigger. Alas, after being dropped and having jobbed to the Hurricane, it was au revoir for the Englishman. 

The man is now a firefighter. Yeah, you read it ... a firefighter. Meaning he's now a top babyface in my book.

Muhammad Hassan

This guy had the fucking golden egg during his stint in WWE between 2004 and 2005. Portraying an Arabian with a potty mouth wasn't difficult to portray when every American was ready to cause bloodshed to any Arabian with an attitude. Unfortunately, it also spelled his end, when an unfortunate timing made the network interfere in creative decision, forcing WWE to drop the Hassan character (key point: the terrorist attack on the undertaker, where piano wires were involved). Ironically, one of the terrorists was portrayed by the aforementioned Paul Burchill. 

There was no chance of Mark Copani ever reaching the heights that Muhammad Hassan made him reach. Also, it's best to remember that this whole saga gave birth to the character of Palmer Cannon. That's inexcusable in its own right. Good heavens, what a useless character that was. 

Someone on that page mentioned Bobby Lashley. Was he mistreated? In  short: fuck no. The guy got infinitely more than he deserved. This guy was greener than Finlay every March 17th.

You know who was? Kurt Angle

Huh? Yeah, you read it right. Kurt Angle was very mistreated, at least in his final stint in WWE. Forcing to work through an aggravated neck injury, only to make John Cena look good (if you haven't caught it the million times he mentioned it: he broke his freakin' neck and won the gold medal in the '96 olympics). He was  right to fuck off outta there, and it even excuses him going to TNA. 

I bet y'all can name plenty more guys (gals?) you can consider mistreated.  

Speaking of gals, what the fuck is with that Total Divas reality show. I honestly don't much care to know how Brie Bella wakes up in the morning covered in beard (courtesy of Bryan Danielson) or how much the divas don't seem to get along very well amongst each other. 

Let's face it, the most noteworthy thing the Bellas have done in their entire career is Brie's tit peeping a couple of weeks ago. It was a shapely tit, regardless.

I'll have to digress. I'm getting through 8 seasons of House MD (yes, Olivia Wilde). Painfully seeing how much I resemble the title character, personality-wise. Everyone loves House, but I can't shake the image of Hugh Laurie in Blackadder as the bumbling, slightly effeminate prince George (SAUSAGE TIME!) or as the lovable goof The Honourable Lt. George Colthurst St. Barleigh. Damn you, legendary comedy series featuring a starring cast consisting of Rowan Atkinson, Tony Robinson, Hugh Laurie, Stephen Fry and Tim McInnerny.

Yes, that was something of a plug for those who haven't seen it yet. (And if you have, watch it again ... you know you want to)


~D.

mike is a dick - clarity will follow

That is without any doubt the least inviting title I could come up with. Giggity.


Worry not, that will be referenced at a later point. First, let's talk about oily and topless men grappling each other for money and glory. (I can hear George Takei in my head shouting: "Oh myyyy...")

So, I was slightly baffled by the fact that last night was WWE's annual Money in the Bank pay per view. Regardless of the fact that I still think it was a shit idea to turn this match concept into a PPV instead of having it at Mania, it happened.

Most surprisingly though, was the outcome of several of these matches. As you know, both brands hold a MITB match, so two briefcases with a world title match contract are up for grabs. If any of you pegged a potential winner, your bet was probably off by a mile.

Who won then? None other than Randy Orton ... whose career has been positively dwindling since forever. Is Vince trying to score with Randy's now ex-wife and decided to reward RKO because for freeing her up? Be damned if I know. All I can say is that Randy's victory is at best a surprise. Can this mean the (VERY MUCH NEEDED) heel turn for Orton? I can only hope. 

Not that Randy is particularly exciting to listen to, regardless of his on-screen alignment. Randy's persona tends to come out in his matches, and everybody can attest that Randy's matches are for more interesting when he's heel. All that lacks then is a good theme. GOOD HEAVENS BELOW, I hate that "voices" theme.

Now for the total surprise. The other MITB match was won by none other than Damien Sandow. I like the character (a lot better than Michelle McCool's teachers pet Idol Stevens if anything) and he's got chops in the ring. My first thought when I read the news was threefold.

1. a joke by the creative team
2. a botched finish resulting in a quick improv
3. absolutely intentional.

Either way, I'm interested to see this play out. I would've favored Antonio Cesaro for the win, but alas. As long as Vince isn't "too pleased" with Cesaro, it's not going to happen. I still wonder why Vince doesn't like him ... probably because he's a wrestler. 

RVD apparently did well. I didn't see anything so I'll digress. 

At last! "Mike is dick" reference follows!

*insert traditional porn dialogue*

For some reason I've found myself stumbling upon Taylor Swift. Sadly, I mean her music. Not that it's bad (for a pop sensation, it's pretty decent quality songwriting even). A live rendition by one of her songs I came across, I noticed something particular. She holds the microphone (thus, Mike) way high, in an angle that makes it look as if she expects it to jizz on her face (which is the signature attack for a penis, or dick). It made me chuckle. 


That kind of works for "gangsta rappers" (though it still looks fucking ridiculous). For a "girl next door" it's downright weird ... and quite hot.

She's a one trick pony though, I've noticed. Sure, she can sing ... somewhat. But every single song is about a guy that dumped her or that she dumped. Her love life is better documented than that of Lucrezia Borgia (historical reference YEAAAHHH!) and possibly even sadder. Any way ... I'd do her  go out with her, though (AS YOU ALL WOULD, EVEN WOMEN). If things go awry, I'll at least get a song out of it. I never had a song written about me ... would be kinda nice.

Alas, season 4 of Warehouse 13 officially ended last week. Sad face. Now there's a six episode season left (THAT'S NOT A SEASON YOU CHEAP SYFY FUCKS), starting probably in september ... I'm gonna need rehab when it finishes. Normally, I'd watch NCIS in its stead, but now that one of the leads decides to leave after 8 years in the role ... that might start to suck as well.

Time for a chuckle, then.

This genuinely made me laugh. If ever it was appropriate to use the following phrase, it would be now:



"It's funny 'cause it's true."







That'll be all,



~D.

moar wrestling, less everything else

Ho ho hi there

For some reason, I feel as if ranting on pro wrestling still suits me better, even though I'm painfully unaware of what is going on. As it happens, I've been spending more time watching regular tv (although, regular ...) than anything else.

It kind of sucks, when the only available wrestling on tv here is "WWE Highlights of the Week" or something like that. Either way, the given title covers it. You get no fucking clue of what is going, since they show snippets with no form of backstory whatsoever. Second of all, commentary is overdubbed in either French or Dutch. Neither of which is helpful in selling me this programme. 

Dutch always makes things look more tacky than they already are, and with French, I only understand half of it, and it's tough making out the proper commentary (note that in this comparison, even Michael Cole blows away any form of dubbed commentary) between the flurry of "fah fah fah Jacques Swaggeur fah fah fah Chrétien fah fah". On top of that, the commentary team generally has no clue what's going on, as if it's Dixie Carter feeding them the lines.

So I resort to either results, or the uploaded versions on Youtube (I've given up looking for proper streams) or snippets. Speaking of snippets ... the irony is quite hilarious. Take WWE's youtube channel. Lots of boasting about how WWE is such a global product and that fans all around the world enjoy watching their dose of "sports entertainment". Try accessing any video on WWE's youtube channel and tell me whether you can get in (provided you're outside the US/Canada). You've got roughly 30% chance you'll actually get to watch it. Odd, since the company is a "global phenomenon". If you live in a country where wrestling is niche market, you're pretty much screwed.

I shouldn't complain though. WWE travels through my small country annually and does a show. I went once, and fun was had, more or less. My good mood sort of trailed back when the Hardys came out and I couldn't find a way to fast forward the match. The most drugged up of the two did fall flat on his face though. Felt slightly better.

Either way, my day was made when I shook the hand of Maria (and felt myself transforming into a silly fanboy; HEY, I SAW TITS UP CLOSE, I CAN'T HELP IT) and had to restrain myself from casually mentioning I had seen her magnificent can/cooch-combo in playboy. Felt good, man.

Ahem. Wyatt family debut imminent. I'm nearly begging Vishnu to have Luke Harper (or Brodie Lee) keep that magical big boot that has frequently claimed the life of Tim Donst and STIGMA in Chikara. Probably not though, since it'll make Sheamus' Brogue Kick look pale in comparison. Pun more or less intended.

On the flip side, TNA is pulling a WWE (obviously) and has resorted to releasing talent that shouldn't be released. The one i'd like to single out specifically being Joey Ryan. The guy was golden. That little gem TNA didn't realise they had. I mean, come on. Doing that gut check thing and basically flipping off both Al Snow and Taz was great. I feel like people should do it more often even. On top of that, his gimmick was fairly original (The cross between Tom Selleck and Ron Jeremy? WIN!). Nope, he's out.

Compare that with Taz signing a new deal with them to give more insightful analyses of matches  spew bat shit insane crap through a microphone. Good joke, TNA, but seriously. It also shouldn't be that much of a surprise that TNA is keeping Brooke Hogan employed, still. Yes, Brooke "I curiously look a lot like my dad" Hogan. The not-so-subtle flavour of nepotism that Hulk (brother!) Hogan (brother!) has brought into a once flourishing company. Yeah, Dixie may be a businesswoman, but she knows fuck all about the business she's in. 

One bright shining glimmer of hope though. Rumours have (once again) been floating around that Sting has sent feelers up north. I for one hope he'd get it over with once his TNA deal ends and signs with WWE. It'll help shut down those "get Sting to WWE"-supporters and he'll actually have a shot at cementing his legacy for real while he can still go (somewhat). If I was in his place, I'd end my career on the highest merit, and not in a company that's halfway through the earth's crust. Same for Angle too. If RVD can come back on a lighter schedule, so can Angle.

Not that WWE is pressed for talent. Oh no, they probably have the biggest pool of talent on their main roster already, and a couple more fresh talents (Sami "El Generico" Zayn,  Paige, Kassius "Chris Hero" Ohno, Sami Callahan since today, ...) waiting for their chance. 

Even more than in the past, TNA stands no fucking chance. I'll let Dixie believe that Hulk can make TNA grow, but its only growth is into the stale zone, with each passing "BROTHER!".

To close this exquisitely ranty entry, I'd like to reiterate what I mentioned in my previous blog entry (that went unshared). If there's ever a sci-fi TV show you need to give a shot, it's Warehouse 13. Being a moderate sci-fi enthusiast and history nut, my blood distribution is mainly in the genital area when I watch it. 

Trust on me that one, just go and give it a shot. If you don't like it, the odds are that you quite suck. 


~D.