People I wish would just fuck off already

Well, if you want me to do an entry on who is grossly overrated, coming up with an apt title is no mean feat. So why not put it plainly instead. I'm no fucking poet, so there :p

The last entry detailed who I consider to be/have been underrated. There weren't any real surprises there. Don't kid yourself, this one won't either.

So let's kick off with the king of being absolutely fucking terrible.


Randy Orton. Haha, didn't think he'd be number 1 huh?

In any event, he should be. He's quite possibly the most overall boring human being to step into the ring. I'm even including Bob Backlund. If I had to make an analogy for Orton, I'd best compare him to a white picket fence. Rigid, dull and overdone. Give the man a mic and he lulls more audiences to sleep than the average "indiepop" group (something else I despise to my very core). On top of that, his matches are dull in equal measure. He's responsible for 99% of the chin-/headlocks performed since the dawn of time for fucks sake. 

This was a couple of years ago. Things have not gotten better

You know, he has a finisher with the added effect of being able to come out of nowhere and it still doesn't make his matches exciting. And his theme fucking sucks balls.

I often wondered why WWE creative has put on the "Orton versus Cena" so many times. Thinking about that, it's so plainly obvious that it's the only way to make Cena seem downright entertaining. Two biggest stars of the company, a surefire draw. Fuck that shit. Orton makes Cena look like a supremely talented individual.



John Cena is still next on the list, though. You can make a case for the man's work ethic, which I won't knock. It's undeniable that he's the hardest working guy in the business today, but to make him worthy for the umpteenth world title reign is downright ridiculous. Face it, he's simply not that good. The reason he's not number 1 on this list is because he had a good gimmick ten years ago and does the occasionally good promo  (when he's not painfully PG; remember "poopiehead"?). 

Unlike Orton, Cena can have MOTY candidates. The thing is though, it requires someone supremely talented (Bryan, Punk,...) to carry his ass through 30 minutes of tv time. Against someone who is not used to calling the play, it's like you're watching 20 Cena matches in one. 

The wrestling business is odd, it's one of the few businesses where success relates to how much you suck at your job. The music business is the other one. He has a strange appeal with kids though. Perhaps when his career is finally over, he can do workshops for the catholic church. 

I think I crossed the line there. Ah, if TNA can do it...

Also, that theme ... for fucks sake. Get rid of it...

Any Bella. It's not a far stretch from Cena to the Bella twins. Something that irked me immensely watching Total Divas (besides you know, the story) is that the Bellas are considered "veterans". They officially debuted in August of 2008 (I had to look that up). That means they've been in the business for 6 years (also counting the year they fucked off). Since when does having irregular matches over the span of 6 years make you a veteran? I reckon you'll have to have had at least one good match. 

The current crop of divas isn't particularly untalented. That the Bella twins are considered the "be all, end all" of televised women's wrestling is slightly worrying. Good to see AJ Lee holding onto the belt for such a long time. 

I long for simpler times, when the Bellas were only used to keep the guest hosts company. Everyone has their forté, no?

Dave Batista

The first in a long line of Goldberg clones. There's something to be said about this guy. That "something" is the political powerhouse that Triple H is. Batista is the kind of guy whose career is simply baffling. Back in the day, in WWE's developmental territory OVW, Dave Batista was ONLY used for run-ins to build his character, because they didn't trust him in full matches. How did that guy become a world champion multiple times? 

Of course, him being Triple H's protegé is the main reason. He could very well have been Nathan Jones or Daniel Puder. If Trips had chosen one of them instead of Batista, "The Animal" would be an afterthought by now. Come to think of it, I would've preferred Nathan Jones. 

He did get better on the mic at the tail end of his initial run in the WWE. But let's face it, whether it's shit on the floor or shit on velvet ... at the end of the day, it's still shit. Fuck, I was happy he got a starring role in a Marvel movie ... I figured he'd make an appearance on RAW to promote it and that's that ... but nope. The fucker signs a two year deal to return full time. For fucks sake. And of course, he's main eventing Wrestlemania for the world title. There goes my hope for Cesaro-without-the-Antonio getting an opportunity. It's not possible that WWE is that desperate for WM buys. Really.

Also, Ryback is much of the same suckage. That's two Goldberg clones down in one hit. Woop woop.

That leaves one Goldberg ... 

Much less blame on the WWE for this one though. This was WCW's run of overpromoting raw meat. 
Physically imposing, check.
Angry face, check
Wrestling skill, ehhhh.

The match between Regal and Golberg remains a treat to watch in that respect. Regal starts actually wrestling in a squash and Goldberg is completely fucked. Brilliant. But seriously, the guy was undefeated for fuck knows how long. He sold merchandise like a motherfucker because of it (guilty, until recently, when I got rid of my Goldberg coffee mug. It was a gift, don't judge me). He sure as hell couldn't sell a story on the mic, though. Great for business (or not?), bad wrestling decision.

It's significant when the competitor introduces a parody of you, and it turns out the parody is actually a better wrestler. I miss Gillberg.

Speaking of WCW's poor booking decisions ... 

Q: What do you get when you let Kevin Nash book your tv shows?   A: A shitload of Kevin Nash on your tv. 

It wouldn't be THAT bad. Kevin Nash could actually be entertaining. The problem is that the guy was entertaining on commentary and promos. Not the actual in-ring action. He was better than Goldberg, for sure, but that's not saying much. If anything at all. If you let that guy book himself in every other segment, you know it can't end well. And it didn't. 

Jeff Hardy 
Everyone's favourite drug addict. No seriously, everyone's fucking favourite. Why? No idea.

Here you have a guy who defended his employer's world title while piss drunk (TNA). Here you have a guy who got fired from a company that was ready to push him to the moon, because he refused to go to rehab. (WWE 1st time around). Here you have a guy that almost got sentenced to jail time because he got busted with enough drugs to kill half the WWE production crew. But hey, he jumps around like a crazy monkey so we cheer him. 

Just don't let him talk. Ever.

No list of the shittiest wrestling personalities is complete without Vince Russo. He gets a lot of credit for ushering in the Attitude Era and writing legendary stuff, with Vince McMahon as the shit filter. Then he went to WCW, where that shit filter wasn't present. The full range of Russo insanity got a free run of the company. Guess who became World Champion, aside from David Arquette? Yep, Vince Russo. You know, a writer with no in-ring experience. And then, when you think he can't become much more of a dick ... he makes the biggest douchy dick move possible. He becomes a born-again christian. That's not wrestling-related. But it's noteworthy because born-again christians are the worst kind of christians ... actively preaching.

Hulk Hogan

Does this need saying? He's been doing the same shtick since the 80's. As far as I can tell, it wasn't entertaining then .. and it still isn't now. I don't care if you're the face of wrestling ... a 60 year old with a shoddy hip and knees and a giant ego doesn't belong in a wrestling ring. Period. But of course, while I write this, Hogan makes his long awaited return to WWE tv ... I wish he would just fuck off already.


~D.