Fashionably late becomes a trend. Looking back at WM31

Salve a tutti

I know, I know. We’ve had a ppv since Mania 31 and one coming up fairly soon. Doesn’t matter, will still give my two cents on the event.

I’m writing this in two waves actually. Since my interest in wrestling has waned considerably over the past year (with something of a flare up right now) I fear I might get bored halfway through. I’ve seen up until the Taker match, so enough to muse about already.

First things first, I didn’t watch the pre-show. I haven’t got a clue who was on it (but I’m guessing it would be some of my favourites).

The first match should be a highlight of the event already. Money in the bank ladder match for no money in no bank.  No worries, they get the consolation prize that is the intercontinental championship. FOR AT LEAST A MONTH! WOW!

I like Dean Ambrose, hands down the funniest guy on the roster right now. I hadn’t seen too much of his indy days (being in CZW and all, which I don’t particularly care for), but it’s fairly obvious why he’s so top of the heap right now.

Lots of talent in this ring all of a sudden. Near grabs, some highspots, some ladder shenanigans. Quite enjoyable, but it didn’t feel like there was much of a highlight in that match. Odd.

Unless you consider a glittery ladder spot and the fact that R-Truth is still employed AND gets a Mania payday highlights. Somewhere in Brooklyn, a single tear rolled down JTG’s face. Of course, Daniel Bryan wins it. Strange that it can be said with such certainty, but let’s be honest here. There was no way it would go differently. As much as I like Bryan, I feel Dean Ambrose must win every match he is in.

Next up, Randy Orton being his usual self, with Wrestlemania DLC tacked on to give it just that little extra. Alongside Seth Rollins showing why he’s a hot commodity right now. Rollins is hot as hell right now, which is good to see, even though he’s really no Ambrose.

Matter of fact, Rollins is more Edge than anything else. Blatantly so. Not a bad comparison to make. Younger and fitter Edge-like heel is a good spot to be in. These guys go back and forth quite well, though outcome-wise, there’s little surprise. Sweet finish though. Up there with Randy’s best RKO’s. Outta nowhere…

Next up, a WWE network “Monday Night Wars” promo as Sting faces off in his first ever WWE match against Triple H. I neglected to count how many times the commentary team sucked the looming cock of Vince McMahon’s brainchild while comparing WCW to an unsavory turd on the sole of their shoes. Not to mention, namedropping “Monday Night War!” at every turn. Michael Cole talks as if he's got Vince McMahon's balls still on his chin.

OHMAGAWD King! It’s X-Pac and the New Age Outlaws (DX)! Coming to the aid of Triple H! OHMAGAWD King! It’s Hogan, Nash and Hall (nWo)! Coming to the aid of Sting! OHMAGAWD Shawn Michaels! (DX)

Really? Really? You’re pushing the faction war, despite everyone being publicly known as friends? With X-Pac and HBK literally having been members of both? Fuck that jazz. I will admit that my memory is decidedly shit, but to completely neglect a fact that was likely brought up the day before at the hall of fame is horseshit.

Decent match though. Lots of sorta-highlights.

• -           Scott Hall, seemingly sober (that of course didn’t last)
• -           Kevin Nash, gingerly falling over and grabbing his thigh/knee is fucking hilarious
•        No Dean Ambrose
• -           The intro by Arnold Schwarzenegger is equally hilarious. Triple H and his terminator style  entrance was, however, tacky.
• -           I’m beginning to think Wrestlemania became a promo vehicle for the new Terminator film  (coming JULY 1^ST TO THEATERS NEAR YOU! IN 3D!)
• -           I want to watch the new Terminator film. DAMMIT!

After a good match, time for the usual piss break. Imagine my distress when I didn’t have to go for a piss. All the options left are having a wank, a smoke or actually watch the divas match (whilst not wanking). I decided on the latter, despite likely deriving more from the former two. Alas.

It’s noticeable that the Bellas have actually gotten better at wrestling. It’s still not much to look at, but the cringing is almost non-existent now. This is an odd feeling.  Although it could be because they’re going against two women who can actually wrestle quite well.

It’s weird though. No matter how good they are, they will always look like a group of backyarders, trying to emulate the “sooperstars on the tv”. No hate, been there myself.

I don’t remember who won, and it’s pretty likely it doesn’t matter either. AJ’s gone now, no?

UH OH! Video package showing the troops and the flag. We know where this is going.

Ok ok, there’s Obama, some more troops, DUBYA(!) and then … BAM, republican insta-boner as Reagan appears. We know where this is going! YESSIR, there comes Rusev and his mistress … manager Lana.

The obligatory John Cena humping the patriotism parade float like a two bit pimp. Why? Because ‘MURICA!! Yee-haw!!

Same old shit, let’s just pause the writing here and  watch Taker.

LOOOOONG AS SHIT INTRO, FOR BOTH OF THEM, OH LORD HAVE MERCY. Not really, they’re long but yeah, *skip*

This is actually a really good match, given the psychology behind it. “the old vs new face of fear”. Taker is looking healthy but is really selling the old and tired man angle. False finishes galore and bam Taker wins on his second tombstone. Goody. As much as Bray Wyatt deserves a push, it wouldn’t be good if Taker lost at Mania again.

Final match, Tourist vs Green Goblin for the world title. Goodie goodie.

Truth be told, I liked every bit about this match. It made Lesnar look strong as shit, it made Reigns look resilient and strong while covering up that he’s really not that versatile in the ring. And the best part about it is that neither man actually won. Thank you Seth! (Although a surprising lack of Dean Ambrose in this finish.)

All in all, I quite enjoyed the show. Not so many highlights, but solid throughout. We all know that even that outcome could be pretty unique over the past decade.

Rollins is having a good run as world champ. A program with Dean Ambrose over the belt, which they seem to be going for now, could easily last well past the summer. Now Neville, Sami Zayn and Kevin Steen/Owens are appearing on the main shows regularly, balor and KENTA doing well … it seems like there is a bit of “future building” going on.

I LIKE IT!

I hope you enjoyed reading this. I seem to have more of a knack for writing wrestling-related stuff than other entertainment stuff.

~D.