Screeching halt

Aaaalright.


I'd just like to make an official statement (although why, I don't know ... probably because I can)

I just wanna let any readers know that this blog will be inactive for the time being. The amount I can be arsed to update right now is so low, that it seems more fitting to announce this, rather than keep my favorite reader hopeful for another entry any time soon.

The general disinterest for pro wrestling is peaking, now that I'm busy fanboying over plenty of other things. I kept my word and didn't buy WWE13 (even though I really want to about now, but then I remember how violated I felt forking out 60 bucks for WWE12 only to get assraped) so there's no cheap review possibility either.

Frankly, there's a good chance I'll be updating this one more often with reviews and the like. This one will probably be defibrillated around 'mania time. Check my twitter feed to find out



Cheers



~D.

well....

Hi

So, I could make many excuses as to why I haven't consistently updated with a new entry, but the truth is simply that I couldn't be arsed to do it. I thought about doing a storyline review about the invasion angle, but it proved for myself to be a useless effort, again because I couldn't bring myself to do it.

So ... WWE...

I have to say I thoroughly enjoyed the Kane/Bryan anger management sessions. It was so wonderfully awkward, it made me laugh. Though I could've done without the "When Harry met Sally" reference and the inevitable appearance of Mae Young. Why they have to be tag champions is beyond me, especially. With all the chatter floating around that Triple H is hell bent on rejuvenating the tag division and injecting some prestige back into it, this is quite a moronic way to begin that.

Speaking of tag teams ... I heard that R-Truth and Kofi Kingston are no longer tagging, because Lil' Jimmy is hitting puberty? Not  a single fuck was given. Lil Jimmy may go over really well with the kids, but I find it horribly cringeworthy. About as cringeworthy as Brodus Clay to be exact. Glad he's subscribed to jobbing every week nowadays. 

Antonio Cesaro is something different. He apparently is on the rise, racking up wins against - inarguably- enhancement tools such as Tyson Kidd, but the dirt sheets are exclaiming the people in charge are high on him... for now. As much as I adore Claudio's impeccable in-ring prowess, I still can't get over the fact that his gimmick is humongously shit. Being able to exclaim random words in 5 languages, two or three of which are native to his country is ... meh at best. I will now recite "failure" in 5 languages:

"Failure":
"Mislukking"
"Misserfolg"
"Échec" 
"Vajaatoiminta"
"Fallimento"
Thank you Google Translate, on some of these.

Speaking of failure, Brooke Hogan is still employed by TNA. Food for thought. I still don't watch their programming, and won't for as long as the Hogan name is actively promoted. I'd almost say I'd rather watch a marathon of Eve Torres matches.

Speaking of which, why is Eve Torres on a winning streak of sorts? She's not particularly talented, even. Give me Kaitlyn any day. Sure she's a little butch, but I'd rather wank myself into a coma over her than Eve. On top of that, she can actually act. She can even wrestle, given the right opponent. Especially with AJ not actively wrestling, pushing someone who doesn't flop about the ring like a clueless valley girl is a good move. Especially for a division that has been fledgling since Lita and Trish retired.

I'm probably going to catch a lot of flack for this, but I don't get the whole Punk/Heyman pairing. Sure, Heyman's a great mouthpiece, but so is Punk. It sort of defeats the purpose of a manager. Surely, Heyman is the kind of guy who could  put even Chris Benoit over in a group of soccer moms but I haven't actually seen anything that he added to Punk getting over as a massive heel. In fact, Punk's finest moment in his heel run so far was with Mick Foley, which was when Heyman wasn't even there. Call me crazy, but I'd put Heyman with a guy like Drew McIntyre, who is talented enough, but could do with a mouthpiece. Again, food for thought. 

And now I'm going to be a total ass and cut this blog off very abruptly

~D.

Milestones and other shit

'lo


It's kind of difficult to ignore, but being a wrestling blogger (a fancy title for my irregular muck) I feel obliged to write about the milestone that RAW is about to reach. One thousand episodes (!). If you didn't know, you haven't watched any WWE produced programming recently as they leave no opportunity to slap it in our faces. 


The longest running tv show... well kind of. In terms of episodes: yup. In terms of duration not quite. British programmes such as Doctor Who (1963-1989 and 2005-present) and Last of the Summer Wine (1973-2010) run/ran for longer and so does the soap opera "the bold and the beautiful" which holds another dubious record for being able to singlehandedly suck and blow every episode again. Anyways


It's by no means a small feat to run uninterrupted since 1993 (no off-seasons either) so kudos. If there's one thing that undoubtedly describes Monday Night Raw (is War), it would be "Hit and Miss". Make no mistake, for all those sucking the Attitude Era cock, that's RAW to a T. Many wrestling fans will describe the Attitude Era as an era where nothing went wrong. Yeah, think again. The product has been so different (and thus shit accordingly) that many mistakes made during the AE have been buried in the sand.


I wouldn't recall the Oddities as a particular success. Neither was Right to Censor even though they were over as heels. Naked Mideon springs to mind as well. The combination Mae Young, Mark Henry and greasy hand shouldn't even be considered as possibly successful. It went decidedly downhill afterwards with such gems as the Katie Vick debacle and well, John Cena. John Cena's debut on RAW in 2005 was the beginning of a bad period on the show as every bit of focus was shifted to Triple H, Cena and a little bit of Edge. Others would hardly get any tv time. SmackDown was easily the better show during that time. After Cena's injury and Randy Orton's subsequent reign, it didn't get better. Orton had transformed from a cocky blue chipper and Legend Killer to being a dead boring automaton. That's when I grew to dislike Orton's work. 


It's safe to say that during the Attitude Era, RAW was more hit than miss. Since 2006 specifically the balance has shifted to more miss than hit. The CM Punk storyline from last year is a great example. He was getting momentum like a motherfucker until Triple H got himself and Kevin Nash involved. It was like gelatine pudding cracking under the weight of Nash and his clickedy knees. This year sees another interesting  storyline happening, once again with Punk. I'm serious the Punk/Bryan/AJ trifecta was interesting (especially when Kane wasn't involved) but I fear that the story is off hunting for sharks to jump over. It seems to be ending at Money in the Bank though.


Now, the same event will probably be John Cena's re-entrance in the title picture which is disappointing. His absence from the WWE title matches and general programming was a breath of fresh air, but alas. 


Fortunately, it's not all gloom and doom. If you've been following the news closely, WWE has made some interesting signings. British flipflopper Ben "PAC" Satterly for instance. He's called "The Man that Gravity forgot" and while figuratively spoken, it's not too far off from the truth. If you considered Evan Bourne impressive, PAC will make you jizz all over. Apparently though, he's not the only one. TNA's Alex Shelley and Matt Morgan are rumoured to jump ship as well. Indie star (and I mean STAR) Johnny Gargano is apparently headed there and it's pretty much confirmed that Sara Del Rey has signed a deal to wrestle as well as train the divas. If you haven't heard of Sara, it's your loss. Del Rey is literally the best female wrestler on the American indies and her signing is probably the biggest asset WWE has made in years. Apparently, the Amazingly Awesome Kong-like woman Kharma got her pink slip at the same time. Of course, the timing of her pregnancy (and unfortunate miscarriage) was bad, but she was if anything ready to return.


Talking about under-used talent. The new NXT format is gold. I've always had a slight preference towards NXT, but the way it is presented now, as a showcase for FCW and lower card talent is gold. More wrestling, less bullshit. It made me able to watch some indie guys in the WWE routine. Seth Rollins should be far higher on the roster by now. Here's a tip creative. Bring him up to the top, have him re-adopt God's Last Gift (Small Package Driver for those unfamiliar) and put the intercontinental title on him. Stat!


Chris Hero  Kassius Ohno was a little less impressive. Great gimmick, great moveset, far too slow for Chris in my opinion. 


One last thing. Can you imagine a brilliant decision being made by TNA? Yeah, me neither. Austin Aries being world champion is one though. I'd almost applaud them if the news didn't float around that Hogan would be wrestling again. Can't win 'em all.




Sigh




~D.

Unstable

Buon Giorno a tutti

It's been a while, no? I've neglected to look at the date of my previous entry. Anyways ...

My busy school period has come to a close, which means more time to do fuck all. Three months to be exact. I have no illusions, I'll probably spend three months watching Doctor Who episodes. Plenty of those to go around.

I'm straying away from the purpose of this here entry.


I've followed the WWE machine off and on for some time and honestly, there's quite a lot of good going on.

First of all, I fucking love AJ Lee. She's a petite little gorgeous piece of woman to begin with but this character she's been putting on has gotten me in stitches more than once. I was a little weary about CM Punk and Kane being included in it, but so far, it has worked remarkably well. Sure as hell comes across more natural than a regular heel character.

Talking about "unstable" I'd like to refer to the stable that really isn't one. See, my entry titles are so multidimensional. I'm a fucking genius. Yeah, prove me wrong, bitches.
Anyways, Titus O'Neill and Darren Young. Both have impressive physique, the in-ring ability of an ape in a straitjacket and charisma not unlike a bowl of fruit. This tag team that really isn't one is being pushed as the top of the tag division. For fucks sake ... I can't for the life of me even remember who the tag champs actually are.

Sad news from the NXT camp that I just read. While the last episodes were awesome in that they were featured in the new format, Maxine has apparently decided to quit because she wasn't having a positive outlook on her future. Can 't blame her. She was the diva that progressed a lot and was actually entertaining as well as generally capable in the ring. Either way, the new format seems nice. The first episode having Regal and JR on commentary was fucking gold. It also seems that Conor O'Brian (the rat guy from NXT) has found a new gimmick. Eh... we'll see.

It seems that there are some new contenders for the world titles. Dolph Ziggles seems to be on the up and up for the world heavyweight title (and he should get it, more so than ADR and Sheamus) on RAW, Baniel Dryan and CM Punk are gonna duke it out for the WWE title (I can smell main event caliber match from several miles away). Sad part is that John Cena, after being out of the title picture so long is going to be put back in the title picture (WHY?). Expect to see Rey Mysterio in the title picture on SmackDown once he returns for a couple of weeks before his next injury/suspension.

In conclusion, the title picture has a few bright spots but a few pitch black ones in the near future as well.

I'm going to end this entry now, mainly because it's nearing 2AM and I'm fucking sleepy. I need to build up the energy for tomorrow to avoid  people who want to celebrate my birthday.

~D.

Gameface OFF

bienvenidas a todos


No beating around the bush today. Last monday night, WWE announced the next installment in their ongoing videogame series. Much like last year, the company has done away with the SvR monniker and labels their next game WWE '13. I realise this videogame entry comes a far lot earlier than it did last year. There is a simple reason for that.


There simply won't be a review of WWE '13 by yours truly. After the gigantic clusterfuck that was WWE '12 (Labelled the best game they ever did, no less) I opted to stay the fuck away from anything that bears the WWE and PS3 logos). No matter how much THQ teases the smarks and idiots alike.


CM Punk is this years coverboy. Good, he deserves that kind of attention. That his face is on what is likely to be an abomination of a game is neglectable. The biggest teaser is the inclusion of an "attitude era". Supposedly 32 (!) Attitude Era superstars have been added to the game, aside from the 38 current stars. Damn you, THQ for making me want it somewhat. No, no, I must be strong. I can't bear to be annually disappointed.  


I must admit, THQ's taglines for the game are never false marketing. The game promises the most lifelike experience of sports entertainment. No wonder it blows for the most part.


They do it every year, though. Call it the best game ever and once you get it, you realise they've successfully trolled you for the 8th year in a row. Last years controls were probably the worst I've had to deal with and sure enough, this years controls have been "modified" again. Modified.... I'd read that as "completely overhauled so it'll take you months to figure out". Maybe I'm just slow. The best controls were SmackDown: SYM, which is by far my favorite game THQ has put out along with SmackDown!2: KYR. Good times, great mammaries.


That spelling error was intentional. Oh the big boobies-made-out-of-polygons I've observed during my teenage years...There's still a proper assortment of knockers to be found in the games, but I've reached the point in my life where giant nipplebags no longer outweigh the shitty gameplay. Too bad.


About the Attitude thing. It sucks that they included it, because now people start thinking that WWE is going to take an Attitude Era approach to their weekly product. You know, last year they dumped Brock Lesnar in the game and he signed on with WWE a couple of months later. Don't get your hopes up folks. Even if WWE decides to take that "attitude" approach  to their programming again, it still won't be like the olden days. Though it would make me curious.


Ah, dare I say programming hasn't been that awful lately? Christian returning as a face and getting a win streak going. The whole D-Bry/AJ Lee thing now involving Punk. How the fucking fuck is it possible that creative has gotten me interested in a romance angle?! THAT HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE!


Also, Skip Sheffield. One of the few big guys I find credible in any way. He's even over for crying out loud. I like him with this new/old Ryback persona. Personally, I like how they kept the best of his OVW/FCW Ryback (the animalistic fuck-people-up-mentality) and dropped the worst (Terminator-gimmick). 


I wouldn't say the same for one of my personal favorites. Antonio Cesaro, still better known as Claudio Castagnoli, is stuck in a love triangle (another?!) with Aksana and Teddy Long. Aksana ... I still don't see the benefit of having it around. She speaks very little English and she doesn't actually do anything except walk around and, for lack of a better word, converse.

Also, Ricola Bomb please. This GSN - Gotch Style Neutralizer may be a nice throwback to the legend Karl Gotch, it is far inferior to the Ricola Bomb (or the Alpamare Waterslide, still one of my favorite moves). Ah well, still waiting for Seth Rollins ... and Chris Hero. I still hope the latter will get a different name when he's called up.


~D.
    

Cornette's Impending Heart Attack

Alright, this pretty much leaves me dumbstruck. I have no witty snarl to accompany this obviously amazing piece of information that will take TNA into the next level (down, obviously). I can't help but wonder in what parallel universe this was conceived as a good idea.

This will probably be the thing that gives Jim Cornette a heart attack. After all, Jim must now regret being in the annals of a company that so willingly turns itself into a parody of a wrestling company (I'd like to throw the initials WCW around, for good measure). This is the kind of news that makes me wish someone like Jeff Jarrett was still in charge and Vince Russo headed creative. Yes, you read that correctly. I would sit through 5 years of spew originating from the foul mind of Vince Russo than to contemplate what the fuck Brooke Hogan has to do with pro wrestling and how Dixie Carter thinks this is brilliant marketing.

It will have some positive effect though. Maybe this will be the catalyst to make people realise what kind of cancer Hulk Hogan is to TNA, and the wrestling business in general.

Alas, people (the small portion that can be distinguished by their adoration for the red and yellow and total lack of social skills) will blatantly see past this as a great way to see wrestling and fap at the same time. Remember brother ... if you toss off to images of Brooke, I'd like to remind you that she's a spitting image of her beloved daddy.

Fuck this company.


D.

Also, the totally amazing graphic artwork cut sloppily from the TNA website is of course owned by TNA entertainment LLC. They can keep it for all I care.

How is it possible?

Evening


You know, I've been a little on the fence about WWE's current storylines. Again, it's hit and miss as usual. Brock Lesnar jobbing to Cena on pay per view was a decision I found odd, to say the least. 
It doesn't seem normal how you'd book a legit fighter as dominating in every which way, only to have him job merely one week later. Brock's return -> missed opportunity in my book.


CM Punk vs Jericho seems to have run its course now, and thankfully so. After their encounter at Wrestlemania, the storyline seemed to drag on. While none of the parties involved should be blamed, it seemed as if the writers were completely unable to write up a decent storyline.


The Daniel Bryan/ AJ saga is surprisingly good, and to have the petite nerdy girl turn into a violent psychopathic warbringer was completely out of left field and probably the most original decision possible. Fingers crossed they don't screw it up. This whole storyline also (re-)introduced me to NXT season three winner Kaitlyn. I hadn't really paid attention to her or what she'd been up to. I reckon it has to do with my aversion for diva matches. 


It's safe to say now I realised that for a woman with a bodybuilding background, she's smoking hot. Dare I say she even surpasses the "girl so nice they named her twice" Kelly². Of course, in my perennial search for searing hotness in divas, I tracked back and actually found out she's in one heck of a storyline on NXT. Didn't see that one coming, did ya?


Maxine, another NXT alumni is going around being abusive to Johnny Curtis and Derrick Bateman. First, she makes whoopie with Bateman, before moving onto Curtis and then back to Bateman, all the while physically assaulting both of them. In comes Kaitlyn, who establishes an instant bro-mance with Bateman (for lack of a better word). La-dee-da ... doesn't seem interesting you'd say. Well, here's my POV:


Johnny Curtis has an awesome gimmick, being all creepy and weirding people out. Derrick Bateman is probably the most naturally charismatic and comedic character employed by WWE right now. Kaitlyn's ability to act makes it awesome. And then there's Maxine. There's one character that should NEVER be turned face, much like Dolph Ziggler. She just has something vile to her, and basically ... it works, she's believable.


To top it all off, the rosy nipple on the juicy tit of storyline perfection is that both ladies can actually wrestle a match. Not bad for girls whose debut took place within the last 4 years.  Something for Kelly² to ponder over.


But wait, there's more! Damien Sandow, being all Jebusy and to be frank, plain cool. I hope to Perkele he'll have a better run this time around. Being one of Michelle McCool's teacher's pets didn't really fly well.


The rosy nipple on the second juicy tit, is Claudio Castagnoli's main show debut (as Antonio Cesaro, obviously)! Regardless of the way he debuted, as a love rival opposite Teddy Long (meh!), it's great to see someone who I've been watching for a loooong time (I'm talking Swiss Money Holding with Ares here) finally make it up there. The only thing I'm really bummed about is his finisher. While the "Gotch Style Neutralizer" is full of smart references, I miss the Ricola Bomb and even the Alpamare Waterslide.
I did see his elevated European Uppercut appear though ... phew. Now, creative team, bring me Seth Rollins, Dean Ambrose, Corey Graves and "Kassius Ohno" and I will love you long time.


Basically, this is it. I can't even believe I'm saying this, but now I'm looking forward to the next episode of NXT. For fuck's sake ... NX - fucking - T! Next thing you know, I'll be watching Nascar, hahahaha






Sayonara, and more juicy tits




~D.