Bollocks.
That serves both as an introduction to this entry as well as my general perception of the pro wrestling business. Not really, just the internationally televised side of it.
Do I know who currently holds a title in WWE? Nope. Dare I bet John Cena is one of them? Despite the fact that he was heavily injured and was expected to be out for an almost paradise-like 4 to 6 months. Let me check ....
of course he's the champ. I'll refrain from beating the dead horse some more and let you draw your own conclusions. There is one humongous flipside though. With his early returns each and every FUCKING time, he's profusely shortening his career. While I don't wish the rat bastard any harm, he should fuck off for real ... preferably with his lady in tow. Since a change in gimmick (or even just alignment) that actual lovers of pro wrestling have been begging for since 2007 (that's 6 fucking years going on 7!!) and should have gotten two years prior, isn't likely to happen now.
Speaking of ladies, I religiously watch Total Divas, because it's the only way you can see the current crop of divas (and TJ Wilson) show actual human emotions. The show is so delightfully cringeworthy I continuously wonder why I'm wasting my time on it. I can't present an honest answer, but I'm pretty sure it's not for my entertainment. There's only so much banter about Nikki Bella's giant tits I can cope with before it completely transcends into fucking uselessness. It wasn't much to begin with.
Speaking of giant tits(*)... Hulk Hogan left TNA (YAY!) and is booked to return to WWE (NAYYY!). Well, the rumours are there, but you can be damn sure that both parties are interested. Each and every time these rumours surface (and end up true) I ponder over the fact that there are still so many people excited for it. Really? I mean, really? No, seriously... Is there another dead horse that I can beat?
It would mean though that I am now able to watch TNA again. And still I don't want to. I'll end up having to watch NXT more often. Lots of indie favorites working there. Sami Callihan debuted like 10 minutes ago, Davey Richards and Eddie Edwards are doing try outs and impressing the shit out of the officials, El Generico has been doing well... It would even compensate for the lack of Chris Hero, who is simply back to being Chris Hero.
That, or I could just stop watching it altogether for the time being. It makes very little difference. I don't know about you guys, but I'm pretty much done wishing for the status quo to subside and I sure as hell can't be arsed to scour the net for the really good wrestling.
Perhaps, until the next time. Have a nice solstice and a good start to the new year. Perhaps I'll be back around March to vent over the missed opportunities for Wrestlemania. Why break with tradition, heh?
~D.
(*) The whole line about Nikki Bella's giant tits was solely for the purpose of this segue. Thank you for your understanding.
Tuesday, 10 December 2013
Tuesday, 27 August 2013
Slammed it!
Hiya!
So, I did watch Summerslam this time around. Found a neat little website and figured I might as well. I had heard some good things about the event the day after, so the likelihood of being robbed of my time was minimal.
The pre-show started off well. Aside from the weirdly hairy Shawn Michaels (even more than ever!), the match on display (free for all!) was darn good. I've always liked Jon Moxley, but since adopting the moniker of Dean Ambrose, he's been positively "on fire". Pit him against a Rob Van Dam in good form and you get a good match. The finish was to be expected, and I'm glad that he gets to keep hold of the US title for a little while longer.
The first match on the main card saw Bray Wyatt wrestle "for the first time". Against Kane no less. I didn't expect much of it, because anInferno Ring of Fire match doesn't really involve actual wrestling. The downside of gimmick matches (at least for me). The finish was quite nice, pushing the Wyatt family further as they should.
Next up, Cody Rhodes defeated Damien Sandow. It's a logical progression, having Sandow lose once to his newly attained rival. The fact they repeated that on the following SmackDown slightly baffled me. He is the MITB holder, fellas. Give him some momentum...
As per usual, a potential main event is midcarded as Alberto del Rio defends his World Heavyweight Championship against Christian. Del Rio's submission victory is sad news (the return match on the SmackDown after is potentially even worse). Though, in all honesty ... as a lifelong "Peep", I'm quite biased. Big fan here. I'd even oil up his pecs if I had to. On top of that, whoever considered Del Rio main event material must have been hitting RVD's stash. He's a good wrestler and all (compared to a lot of people, at least) but I find him lacking in some way.
LO AND BEHOLD. A DIVAS MATCH. I paused and waited for a piss to come up before hitting play. Inspired by "Total Divas" (more on that coming). Natalya actually got match time. Quite the surprise considering her last real effort on tv was a farting gimmick. And she even won! hory shet!
But enough about that, because here's MOTY candidate to be. And as per CM Punk standards, it has become a MOTY contender. I've never considered myself a Lesnar fan. This match, however, was rock solid. Storytelling was on the money, Heyman involvement was plenty (but never unnecessary) and excitement was high. If at any point, wrestling matches could give me a boner (not counting Kaitlyn of AJ bouts), it would've happened right there. Lesnar obviously upped his game to run with Punk and the fans got treated to a top match. Kudos.
During the next match, my brain worked in overdrive as it suffered from a lot less blood flow. Kaitlyn and AJ ! And two other guys. Seriously though. Boners are hard to stay on (pun intended) when Big E. Langstons breast flop past your screen. Nice match, and nothing spectacular. But that's the bane of being sandwiched between MOTY candidates.
That's right. I just nominated a Cena match (!) as a MOTY candidate. Every right to, as well. I hate Cena's ring work as a much as the next guy, but it clicks with D-Bry. Even though Cena's lumpy elbow got in the way of the natural progression of the match, both were sickeningly on the money. like Punk/Lesnar, they got nearly half an hour of time and not once did it get remotely boring. An achievement for a match between a technical wrestler and a carnival strongman.
Then came the end. After a couple of attempts Bryan wins the WWE title. Note, Triple H was the special guest referee. Out comes Randy Orton, clutching his MITB brief case. Shit is slowly making its way towards the fan. He turns back towards the backstage. Triple H turns as well, but in the alignment sense. Pedigree on Bryan. Orton wallops to the ring, cashes in and wins the title Bryan held for 18 seconds.
RAGEFACE EVERYWHERE. I got it though. Triple H and Orton side with Macs, establishing them as full heels. That makes Bryan a huge babyface (big deal when Cena's taking time off to get surgery on his elbow done). Meaning that from now on (until Cena returns, let's be honest), Daniel fucking Bryan Danielson is the top babyface of the company. Oh, irony ... the cash in was completely logical. It also makes sense why Orton won the MITB for RAW in the first place. He gets his long awaited heel turn and the overlapping storyline is good to go. I'm almost making the mistake of being excited for it. Yikes.
A few days after the Summerslam event, Darren Young solidifies his nomination for the "duhhhh"- award after poetically describing his love for meat cigars to a random reporter for TMZ. I obviously thought he was gonna get fired.
How the times have-a changed. WWE decided to "BeAStar" and fully support Darren Young on his outing. Wat.
And they're even capitalising on his renewed popularity. (HE ACTUALLY HAD A PROPER WIN!). Somewhere, Chris Kanyon did a barrel roll in his grave. He'd have been a multi-time world champion if he'd been around during the days that Pat Patterson had some influence.
DISCLAIMER: Those are of course rumours that have been floating around. While it's commonly known that Pat Patterson is a connoisseur of flesh flutes, the stories of him forcing wrestlers to play a sonata on his are not proven. They seemed to be an excellent closing bit to this euphemistically phrased paragraph.
Here's the kicker of this entry. WWE produces Total Divas. Do I watch it? Yes.
Do I enjoy it? unfortunately, yes. Have I seen every episode currently aired? Yes, all five. Will I watch the rest of the episodes? ...
Yes. I know that shit is mostly scripted, but fucking hell. I enjoy it for what it is. The amalgamation of brain cells starring on that show barely makes it past four, but it's fucking funny. There's something about Daniel Bryan Danielson failing to chop a block of wood in his own backyard.
Also, John Cena has the coolest swimming pool. For real.
Now, in closing on a completely unrelated note. Being the sadist that I am, I subjected myself to the performance (ahem) given by Miley Cyrus at the VMA's. A true gift to the world, this one. I like weird shit, but this ...?
I don't think I could've cringed any harder if I had walked onto the set of a bukkake video featuring Gary Busey, Donatella Versace, Richard Simmons, Mickey Rourke and that wanker from Abercrombie & Fitch who looks like the offspring of Beetlejuice and a Gremlin, who had Down syndrome.
Well, you get the idea.
~D.
So, I did watch Summerslam this time around. Found a neat little website and figured I might as well. I had heard some good things about the event the day after, so the likelihood of being robbed of my time was minimal.
The pre-show started off well. Aside from the weirdly hairy Shawn Michaels (even more than ever!), the match on display (free for all!) was darn good. I've always liked Jon Moxley, but since adopting the moniker of Dean Ambrose, he's been positively "on fire". Pit him against a Rob Van Dam in good form and you get a good match. The finish was to be expected, and I'm glad that he gets to keep hold of the US title for a little while longer.
The first match on the main card saw Bray Wyatt wrestle "for the first time". Against Kane no less. I didn't expect much of it, because an
Next up, Cody Rhodes defeated Damien Sandow. It's a logical progression, having Sandow lose once to his newly attained rival. The fact they repeated that on the following SmackDown slightly baffled me. He is the MITB holder, fellas. Give him some momentum...
As per usual, a potential main event is midcarded as Alberto del Rio defends his World Heavyweight Championship against Christian. Del Rio's submission victory is sad news (the return match on the SmackDown after is potentially even worse). Though, in all honesty ... as a lifelong "Peep", I'm quite biased. Big fan here. I'd even oil up his pecs if I had to. On top of that, whoever considered Del Rio main event material must have been hitting RVD's stash. He's a good wrestler and all (compared to a lot of people, at least) but I find him lacking in some way.
LO AND BEHOLD. A DIVAS MATCH. I paused and waited for a piss to come up before hitting play. Inspired by "Total Divas" (more on that coming). Natalya actually got match time. Quite the surprise considering her last real effort on tv was a farting gimmick. And she even won! hory shet!
But enough about that, because here's MOTY candidate to be. And as per CM Punk standards, it has become a MOTY contender. I've never considered myself a Lesnar fan. This match, however, was rock solid. Storytelling was on the money, Heyman involvement was plenty (but never unnecessary) and excitement was high. If at any point, wrestling matches could give me a boner (not counting Kaitlyn of AJ bouts), it would've happened right there. Lesnar obviously upped his game to run with Punk and the fans got treated to a top match. Kudos.
During the next match, my brain worked in overdrive as it suffered from a lot less blood flow. Kaitlyn and AJ ! And two other guys. Seriously though. Boners are hard to stay on (pun intended) when Big E. Langstons breast flop past your screen. Nice match, and nothing spectacular. But that's the bane of being sandwiched between MOTY candidates.
That's right. I just nominated a Cena match (!) as a MOTY candidate. Every right to, as well. I hate Cena's ring work as a much as the next guy, but it clicks with D-Bry. Even though Cena's lumpy elbow got in the way of the natural progression of the match, both were sickeningly on the money. like Punk/Lesnar, they got nearly half an hour of time and not once did it get remotely boring. An achievement for a match between a technical wrestler and a carnival strongman.
Then came the end. After a couple of attempts Bryan wins the WWE title. Note, Triple H was the special guest referee. Out comes Randy Orton, clutching his MITB brief case. Shit is slowly making its way towards the fan. He turns back towards the backstage. Triple H turns as well, but in the alignment sense. Pedigree on Bryan. Orton wallops to the ring, cashes in and wins the title Bryan held for 18 seconds.
RAGEFACE EVERYWHERE. I got it though. Triple H and Orton side with Macs, establishing them as full heels. That makes Bryan a huge babyface (big deal when Cena's taking time off to get surgery on his elbow done). Meaning that from now on (until Cena returns, let's be honest), Daniel fucking Bryan Danielson is the top babyface of the company. Oh, irony ... the cash in was completely logical. It also makes sense why Orton won the MITB for RAW in the first place. He gets his long awaited heel turn and the overlapping storyline is good to go. I'm almost making the mistake of being excited for it. Yikes.
A few days after the Summerslam event, Darren Young solidifies his nomination for the "duhhhh"- award after poetically describing his love for meat cigars to a random reporter for TMZ. I obviously thought he was gonna get fired.
How the times have-a changed. WWE decided to "BeAStar" and fully support Darren Young on his outing. Wat.
And they're even capitalising on his renewed popularity. (HE ACTUALLY HAD A PROPER WIN!). Somewhere, Chris Kanyon did a barrel roll in his grave. He'd have been a multi-time world champion if he'd been around during the days that Pat Patterson had some influence.
DISCLAIMER: Those are of course rumours that have been floating around. While it's commonly known that Pat Patterson is a connoisseur of flesh flutes, the stories of him forcing wrestlers to play a sonata on his are not proven. They seemed to be an excellent closing bit to this euphemistically phrased paragraph.
Here's the kicker of this entry. WWE produces Total Divas. Do I watch it? Yes.
Do I enjoy it? unfortunately, yes. Have I seen every episode currently aired? Yes, all five. Will I watch the rest of the episodes? ...
Yes. I know that shit is mostly scripted, but fucking hell. I enjoy it for what it is. The amalgamation of brain cells starring on that show barely makes it past four, but it's fucking funny. There's something about Daniel Bryan Danielson failing to chop a block of wood in his own backyard.
Also, John Cena has the coolest swimming pool. For real.
Now, in closing on a completely unrelated note. Being the sadist that I am, I subjected myself to the performance (ahem) given by Miley Cyrus at the VMA's. A true gift to the world, this one. I like weird shit, but this ...?
I don't think I could've cringed any harder if I had walked onto the set of a bukkake video featuring Gary Busey, Donatella Versace, Richard Simmons, Mickey Rourke and that wanker from Abercrombie & Fitch who looks like the offspring of Beetlejuice and a Gremlin, who had Down syndrome.
Well, you get the idea.
~D.
Sunday, 28 July 2013
Mistreatment
Hi
I saw a page on facebook where the 'admin' asked which WWE wrestlers were considered mistreated. I figured it would make for a nice blog entry if I took the names that were mentioned there and added my own commentary, as well as offer some names of my own.
First up
Charlie Haas.
There is one guy of which you could innately claim he was mistreated. At least as a singles competitor. Enjoying a moderate success tagging with Shelton Benjamin as the WGTT under the tutelage of Kurt Angle, but completely misused as a solo act. The guy had his chops, no doubt, but lacked virtually everything else. He was so insanely bland, it was almost torturous to watch him cut a promo. The mistreatment as such shouldn't have been a surprise. If you can't sell your act, you're essentially useless.
The fact that Haas was rehired was a shocker, which made his second release all the more logical. Once he started to impersonate his opponents (and still jobbed to every single one of them), it was the proverbial nail in the coffin.
William Regal
Ah, one of my perennial favorites and also one of the most misused wrestlers in recent WWE history. Here's one guy who has everything. He's one of the best wrestlers to ever set foot in a WWF/-E ring and he will forever be remembered as the butt of many jokes, the most noteworthy of which come from Jericho. Here's one guy who is both skilled and entertaining, even having no issues garnering heel heat or deprecating himself as a rapper.
Truthfully, his mistreatment is largely his own fault. Engaging in drinking (peeing on an airplane as a result), doing performing enhancing drugs ... which even caused him to miss out on a top heel position back in 2008. He had it all, winning KOTR, being cozy with Triple H and on his way to a top tier title. One steroid bust and it was all over. He's found a suitable position doing commentary and wrestling on occasion. He will still be the guy new guys go to for advice. With his experience, that might be the best suited option for him.
Paul Burchill
Also one of my favorites, to be honest. While he didn't get much of a chance at first, appearing on Velocity mostly (remember that? Because 75% of WWE's fanbase sure as hell doesn't!). Then came the pirate gimmick. That got over as fuck, for being simply fun and having a cool as fuck finisher. Of course, pirate gimmicks aren't for the long term. How it ended (disney lawsuit, necessity for knee surgery) remains a mystery. His Ripper gimmick was good, but never brought up to the main roster. That's until Katie Lea came on to the scene as his sister. And such was the birth of the incest gimmick. An incest gimmick that was painfully cut short because Linda wanted the senate seat of Connecticut for the Republican party and WWE became family friendly. Gone was incest gimmick, gone was any chance of Burchill to make it bigger. Alas, after being dropped and having jobbed to the Hurricane, it was au revoir for the Englishman.
The man is now a firefighter. Yeah, you read it ... a firefighter. Meaning he's now a top babyface in my book.
Muhammad Hassan
This guy had the fucking golden egg during his stint in WWE between 2004 and 2005. Portraying an Arabian with a potty mouth wasn't difficult to portray when every American was ready to cause bloodshed to any Arabian with an attitude. Unfortunately, it also spelled his end, when an unfortunate timing made the network interfere in creative decision, forcing WWE to drop the Hassan character (key point: the terrorist attack on the undertaker, where piano wires were involved). Ironically, one of the terrorists was portrayed by the aforementioned Paul Burchill.
There was no chance of Mark Copani ever reaching the heights that Muhammad Hassan made him reach. Also, it's best to remember that this whole saga gave birth to the character of Palmer Cannon. That's inexcusable in its own right. Good heavens, what a useless character that was.
Someone on that page mentioned Bobby Lashley. Was he mistreated? In short: fuck no. The guy got infinitely more than he deserved. This guy was greener than Finlay every March 17th.
You know who was? Kurt Angle
Huh? Yeah, you read it right. Kurt Angle was very mistreated, at least in his final stint in WWE. Forcing to work through an aggravated neck injury, only to make John Cena look good (if you haven't caught it the million times he mentioned it: he broke his freakin' neck and won the gold medal in the '96 olympics). He was right to fuck off outta there, and it even excuses him going to TNA.
I bet y'all can name plenty more guys (gals?) you can consider mistreated.
Speaking of gals, what the fuck is with that Total Divas reality show. I honestly don't much care to know how Brie Bella wakes up in the morning covered in beard (courtesy of Bryan Danielson) or how much the divas don't seem to get along very well amongst each other.
Let's face it, the most noteworthy thing the Bellas have done in their entire career is Brie's tit peeping a couple of weeks ago. It was a shapely tit, regardless.
I'll have to digress. I'm getting through 8 seasons of House MD (yes, Olivia Wilde). Painfully seeing how much I resemble the title character, personality-wise. Everyone loves House, but I can't shake the image of Hugh Laurie in Blackadder as the bumbling, slightly effeminate prince George (SAUSAGE TIME!) or as the lovable goof The Honourable Lt. George Colthurst St. Barleigh. Damn you, legendary comedy series featuring a starring cast consisting of Rowan Atkinson, Tony Robinson, Hugh Laurie, Stephen Fry and Tim McInnerny.
Yes, that was something of a plug for those who haven't seen it yet. (And if you have, watch it again ... you know you want to)
~D.
I saw a page on facebook where the 'admin' asked which WWE wrestlers were considered mistreated. I figured it would make for a nice blog entry if I took the names that were mentioned there and added my own commentary, as well as offer some names of my own.
First up
Charlie Haas.
There is one guy of which you could innately claim he was mistreated. At least as a singles competitor. Enjoying a moderate success tagging with Shelton Benjamin as the WGTT under the tutelage of Kurt Angle, but completely misused as a solo act. The guy had his chops, no doubt, but lacked virtually everything else. He was so insanely bland, it was almost torturous to watch him cut a promo. The mistreatment as such shouldn't have been a surprise. If you can't sell your act, you're essentially useless.
The fact that Haas was rehired was a shocker, which made his second release all the more logical. Once he started to impersonate his opponents (and still jobbed to every single one of them), it was the proverbial nail in the coffin.
William Regal
Ah, one of my perennial favorites and also one of the most misused wrestlers in recent WWE history. Here's one guy who has everything. He's one of the best wrestlers to ever set foot in a WWF/-E ring and he will forever be remembered as the butt of many jokes, the most noteworthy of which come from Jericho. Here's one guy who is both skilled and entertaining, even having no issues garnering heel heat or deprecating himself as a rapper.
Truthfully, his mistreatment is largely his own fault. Engaging in drinking (peeing on an airplane as a result), doing performing enhancing drugs ... which even caused him to miss out on a top heel position back in 2008. He had it all, winning KOTR, being cozy with Triple H and on his way to a top tier title. One steroid bust and it was all over. He's found a suitable position doing commentary and wrestling on occasion. He will still be the guy new guys go to for advice. With his experience, that might be the best suited option for him.
Paul Burchill
Also one of my favorites, to be honest. While he didn't get much of a chance at first, appearing on Velocity mostly (remember that? Because 75% of WWE's fanbase sure as hell doesn't!). Then came the pirate gimmick. That got over as fuck, for being simply fun and having a cool as fuck finisher. Of course, pirate gimmicks aren't for the long term. How it ended (disney lawsuit, necessity for knee surgery) remains a mystery. His Ripper gimmick was good, but never brought up to the main roster. That's until Katie Lea came on to the scene as his sister. And such was the birth of the incest gimmick. An incest gimmick that was painfully cut short because Linda wanted the senate seat of Connecticut for the Republican party and WWE became family friendly. Gone was incest gimmick, gone was any chance of Burchill to make it bigger. Alas, after being dropped and having jobbed to the Hurricane, it was au revoir for the Englishman.
The man is now a firefighter. Yeah, you read it ... a firefighter. Meaning he's now a top babyface in my book.
Muhammad Hassan
This guy had the fucking golden egg during his stint in WWE between 2004 and 2005. Portraying an Arabian with a potty mouth wasn't difficult to portray when every American was ready to cause bloodshed to any Arabian with an attitude. Unfortunately, it also spelled his end, when an unfortunate timing made the network interfere in creative decision, forcing WWE to drop the Hassan character (key point: the terrorist attack on the undertaker, where piano wires were involved). Ironically, one of the terrorists was portrayed by the aforementioned Paul Burchill.
There was no chance of Mark Copani ever reaching the heights that Muhammad Hassan made him reach. Also, it's best to remember that this whole saga gave birth to the character of Palmer Cannon. That's inexcusable in its own right. Good heavens, what a useless character that was.
Someone on that page mentioned Bobby Lashley. Was he mistreated? In short: fuck no. The guy got infinitely more than he deserved. This guy was greener than Finlay every March 17th.
You know who was? Kurt Angle
Huh? Yeah, you read it right. Kurt Angle was very mistreated, at least in his final stint in WWE. Forcing to work through an aggravated neck injury, only to make John Cena look good (if you haven't caught it the million times he mentioned it: he broke his freakin' neck and won the gold medal in the '96 olympics). He was right to fuck off outta there, and it even excuses him going to TNA.
I bet y'all can name plenty more guys (gals?) you can consider mistreated.
Speaking of gals, what the fuck is with that Total Divas reality show. I honestly don't much care to know how Brie Bella wakes up in the morning covered in beard (courtesy of Bryan Danielson) or how much the divas don't seem to get along very well amongst each other.
Let's face it, the most noteworthy thing the Bellas have done in their entire career is Brie's tit peeping a couple of weeks ago. It was a shapely tit, regardless.
I'll have to digress. I'm getting through 8 seasons of House MD (yes, Olivia Wilde). Painfully seeing how much I resemble the title character, personality-wise. Everyone loves House, but I can't shake the image of Hugh Laurie in Blackadder as the bumbling, slightly effeminate prince George (SAUSAGE TIME!) or as the lovable goof The Honourable Lt. George Colthurst St. Barleigh. Damn you, legendary comedy series featuring a starring cast consisting of Rowan Atkinson, Tony Robinson, Hugh Laurie, Stephen Fry and Tim McInnerny.
Yes, that was something of a plug for those who haven't seen it yet. (And if you have, watch it again ... you know you want to)
~D.
Monday, 15 July 2013
mike is a dick - clarity will follow
That is without any doubt the least inviting title I could come up with. Giggity.
Worry not, that will be referenced at a later point. First, let's talk about oily and topless men grappling each other for money and glory. (I can hear George Takei in my head shouting: "Oh myyyy...")
So, I was slightly baffled by the fact that last night was WWE's annual Money in the Bank pay per view. Regardless of the fact that I still think it was a shit idea to turn this match concept into a PPV instead of having it at Mania, it happened.
Most surprisingly though, was the outcome of several of these matches. As you know, both brands hold a MITB match, so two briefcases with a world title match contract are up for grabs. If any of you pegged a potential winner, your bet was probably off by a mile.
Who won then? None other than Randy Orton ... whose career has been positively dwindling since forever. Is Vince trying to score with Randy's now ex-wife and decided to reward RKO because for freeing her up? Be damned if I know. All I can say is that Randy's victory is at best a surprise. Can this mean the (VERY MUCH NEEDED) heel turn for Orton? I can only hope.
Not that Randy is particularly exciting to listen to, regardless of his on-screen alignment. Randy's persona tends to come out in his matches, and everybody can attest that Randy's matches are for more interesting when he's heel. All that lacks then is a good theme. GOOD HEAVENS BELOW, I hate that "voices" theme.
Now for the total surprise. The other MITB match was won by none other than Damien Sandow. I like the character (a lot better than Michelle McCool's teachers pet Idol Stevens if anything) and he's got chops in the ring. My first thought when I read the news was threefold.
1. a joke by the creative team
2. a botched finish resulting in a quick improv
3. absolutely intentional.
Either way, I'm interested to see this play out. I would've favored Antonio Cesaro for the win, but alas. As long as Vince isn't "too pleased" with Cesaro, it's not going to happen. I still wonder why Vince doesn't like him ... probably because he's a wrestler.
RVD apparently did well. I didn't see anything so I'll digress.
At last! "Mike is dick" reference follows!
For some reason I've found myself stumbling upon Taylor Swift. Sadly, I mean her music. Not that it's bad (for a pop sensation, it's pretty decent quality songwriting even). A live rendition by one of her songs I came across, I noticed something particular. She holds the microphone (thus, Mike) way high, in an angle that makes it look as if she expects it to jizz on her face (which is the signature attack for a penis, or dick). It made me chuckle.
That kind of works for "gangsta rappers" (though it still looks fucking ridiculous). For a "girl next door" it's downright weird ... and quite hot.
She's a one trick pony though, I've noticed. Sure, she can sing ... somewhat. But every single song is about a guy that dumped her or that she dumped. Her love life is better documented than that of Lucrezia Borgia (historical reference YEAAAHHH!) and possibly even sadder. Any way ... I'ddo her go out with her, though (AS YOU ALL WOULD, EVEN WOMEN). If things go awry, I'll at least get a song out of it. I never had a song written about me ... would be kinda nice.
Alas, season 4 of Warehouse 13 officially ended last week. Sad face. Now there's a six episode season left (THAT'S NOT A SEASON YOU CHEAP SYFY FUCKS), starting probably in september ... I'm gonna need rehab when it finishes. Normally, I'd watch NCIS in its stead, but now that one of the leads decides to leave after 8 years in the role ... that might start to suck as well.
Time for a chuckle, then.
This genuinely made me laugh. If ever it was appropriate to use the following phrase, it would be now:
"It's funny 'cause it's true."
That'll be all,
~D.
Worry not, that will be referenced at a later point. First, let's talk about oily and topless men grappling each other for money and glory. (I can hear George Takei in my head shouting: "Oh myyyy...")
So, I was slightly baffled by the fact that last night was WWE's annual Money in the Bank pay per view. Regardless of the fact that I still think it was a shit idea to turn this match concept into a PPV instead of having it at Mania, it happened.
Most surprisingly though, was the outcome of several of these matches. As you know, both brands hold a MITB match, so two briefcases with a world title match contract are up for grabs. If any of you pegged a potential winner, your bet was probably off by a mile.
Who won then? None other than Randy Orton ... whose career has been positively dwindling since forever. Is Vince trying to score with Randy's now ex-wife and decided to reward RKO because for freeing her up? Be damned if I know. All I can say is that Randy's victory is at best a surprise. Can this mean the (VERY MUCH NEEDED) heel turn for Orton? I can only hope.
Not that Randy is particularly exciting to listen to, regardless of his on-screen alignment. Randy's persona tends to come out in his matches, and everybody can attest that Randy's matches are for more interesting when he's heel. All that lacks then is a good theme. GOOD HEAVENS BELOW, I hate that "voices" theme.
Now for the total surprise. The other MITB match was won by none other than Damien Sandow. I like the character (a lot better than Michelle McCool's teachers pet Idol Stevens if anything) and he's got chops in the ring. My first thought when I read the news was threefold.
1. a joke by the creative team
2. a botched finish resulting in a quick improv
3. absolutely intentional.
Either way, I'm interested to see this play out. I would've favored Antonio Cesaro for the win, but alas. As long as Vince isn't "too pleased" with Cesaro, it's not going to happen. I still wonder why Vince doesn't like him ... probably because he's a wrestler.
RVD apparently did well. I didn't see anything so I'll digress.
At last! "Mike is dick" reference follows!
 |
| *insert traditional porn dialogue* |
That kind of works for "gangsta rappers" (though it still looks fucking ridiculous). For a "girl next door" it's downright weird ... and quite hot.
She's a one trick pony though, I've noticed. Sure, she can sing ... somewhat. But every single song is about a guy that dumped her or that she dumped. Her love life is better documented than that of Lucrezia Borgia (historical reference YEAAAHHH!) and possibly even sadder. Any way ... I'd
Alas, season 4 of Warehouse 13 officially ended last week. Sad face. Now there's a six episode season left (THAT'S NOT A SEASON YOU CHEAP SYFY FUCKS), starting probably in september ... I'm gonna need rehab when it finishes. Normally, I'd watch NCIS in its stead, but now that one of the leads decides to leave after 8 years in the role ... that might start to suck as well.
Time for a chuckle, then.
"It's funny 'cause it's true."
That'll be all,
~D.
Thursday, 4 July 2013
moar wrestling, less everything else
Ho ho hi there
For some reason, I feel as if ranting on pro wrestling still suits me better, even though I'm painfully unaware of what is going on. As it happens, I've been spending more time watching regular tv (although, regular ...) than anything else.
It kind of sucks, when the only available wrestling on tv here is "WWE Highlights of the Week" or something like that. Either way, the given title covers it. You get no fucking clue of what is going, since they show snippets with no form of backstory whatsoever. Second of all, commentary is overdubbed in either French or Dutch. Neither of which is helpful in selling me this programme.
Dutch always makes things look more tacky than they already are, and with French, I only understand half of it, and it's tough making out the proper commentary (note that in this comparison, even Michael Cole blows away any form of dubbed commentary) between the flurry of "fah fah fah Jacques Swaggeur fah fah fah Chrétien fah fah". On top of that, the commentary team generally has no clue what's going on, as if it's Dixie Carter feeding them the lines.
So I resort to either results, or the uploaded versions on Youtube (I've given up looking for proper streams) or snippets. Speaking of snippets ... the irony is quite hilarious. Take WWE's youtube channel. Lots of boasting about how WWE is such a global product and that fans all around the world enjoy watching their dose of "sports entertainment". Try accessing any video on WWE's youtube channel and tell me whether you can get in (provided you're outside the US/Canada). You've got roughly 30% chance you'll actually get to watch it. Odd, since the company is a "global phenomenon". If you live in a country where wrestling is niche market, you're pretty much screwed.
I shouldn't complain though. WWE travels through my small country annually and does a show. I went once, and fun was had, more or less. My good mood sort of trailed back when the Hardys came out and I couldn't find a way to fast forward the match. The most drugged up of the two did fall flat on his face though. Felt slightly better.
Either way, my day was made when I shook the hand of Maria (and felt myself transforming into a silly fanboy; HEY, I SAW TITS UP CLOSE, I CAN'T HELP IT) and had to restrain myself from casually mentioning I had seen her magnificent can/cooch-combo in playboy. Felt good, man.
Ahem. Wyatt family debut imminent. I'm nearly begging Vishnu to have Luke Harper (or Brodie Lee) keep that magical big boot that has frequently claimed the life of Tim Donst and STIGMA in Chikara. Probably not though, since it'll make Sheamus' Brogue Kick look pale in comparison. Pun more or less intended.
On the flip side, TNA is pulling a WWE (obviously) and has resorted to releasing talent that shouldn't be released. The one i'd like to single out specifically being Joey Ryan. The guy was golden. That little gem TNA didn't realise they had. I mean, come on. Doing that gut check thing and basically flipping off both Al Snow and Taz was great. I feel like people should do it more often even. On top of that, his gimmick was fairly original (The cross between Tom Selleck and Ron Jeremy? WIN!). Nope, he's out.
Compare that with Taz signing a new deal with them togive more insightful analyses of matches spew bat shit insane crap through a microphone. Good joke, TNA, but seriously. It also shouldn't be that much of a surprise that TNA is keeping Brooke Hogan employed, still. Yes, Brooke "I curiously look a lot like my dad" Hogan. The not-so-subtle flavour of nepotism that Hulk (brother!) Hogan (brother!) has brought into a once flourishing company. Yeah, Dixie may be a businesswoman, but she knows fuck all about the business she's in.
One bright shining glimmer of hope though. Rumours have (once again) been floating around that Sting has sent feelers up north. I for one hope he'd get it over with once his TNA deal ends and signs with WWE. It'll help shut down those "get Sting to WWE"-supporters and he'll actually have a shot at cementing his legacy for real while he can still go (somewhat). If I was in his place, I'd end my career on the highest merit, and not in a company that's halfway through the earth's crust. Same for Angle too. If RVD can come back on a lighter schedule, so can Angle.
Not that WWE is pressed for talent. Oh no, they probably have the biggest pool of talent on their main roster already, and a couple more fresh talents (Sami "El Generico" Zayn, Paige, Kassius "Chris Hero" Ohno, Sami Callahan since today, ...) waiting for their chance.
Even more than in the past, TNA stands no fucking chance. I'll let Dixie believe that Hulk can make TNA grow, but its only growth is into the stale zone, with each passing "BROTHER!".
To close this exquisitely ranty entry, I'd like to reiterate what I mentioned in my previous blog entry (that went unshared). If there's ever a sci-fi TV show you need to give a shot, it's Warehouse 13. Being a moderate sci-fi enthusiast and history nut, my blood distribution is mainly in the genital area when I watch it.
Trust on me that one, just go and give it a shot. If you don't like it, the odds are that you quite suck.
~D.
For some reason, I feel as if ranting on pro wrestling still suits me better, even though I'm painfully unaware of what is going on. As it happens, I've been spending more time watching regular tv (although, regular ...) than anything else.
It kind of sucks, when the only available wrestling on tv here is "WWE Highlights of the Week" or something like that. Either way, the given title covers it. You get no fucking clue of what is going, since they show snippets with no form of backstory whatsoever. Second of all, commentary is overdubbed in either French or Dutch. Neither of which is helpful in selling me this programme.
Dutch always makes things look more tacky than they already are, and with French, I only understand half of it, and it's tough making out the proper commentary (note that in this comparison, even Michael Cole blows away any form of dubbed commentary) between the flurry of "fah fah fah Jacques Swaggeur fah fah fah Chrétien fah fah". On top of that, the commentary team generally has no clue what's going on, as if it's Dixie Carter feeding them the lines.
So I resort to either results, or the uploaded versions on Youtube (I've given up looking for proper streams) or snippets. Speaking of snippets ... the irony is quite hilarious. Take WWE's youtube channel. Lots of boasting about how WWE is such a global product and that fans all around the world enjoy watching their dose of "sports entertainment". Try accessing any video on WWE's youtube channel and tell me whether you can get in (provided you're outside the US/Canada). You've got roughly 30% chance you'll actually get to watch it. Odd, since the company is a "global phenomenon". If you live in a country where wrestling is niche market, you're pretty much screwed.
I shouldn't complain though. WWE travels through my small country annually and does a show. I went once, and fun was had, more or less. My good mood sort of trailed back when the Hardys came out and I couldn't find a way to fast forward the match. The most drugged up of the two did fall flat on his face though. Felt slightly better.
Either way, my day was made when I shook the hand of Maria (and felt myself transforming into a silly fanboy; HEY, I SAW TITS UP CLOSE, I CAN'T HELP IT) and had to restrain myself from casually mentioning I had seen her magnificent can/cooch-combo in playboy. Felt good, man.
Ahem. Wyatt family debut imminent. I'm nearly begging Vishnu to have Luke Harper (or Brodie Lee) keep that magical big boot that has frequently claimed the life of Tim Donst and STIGMA in Chikara. Probably not though, since it'll make Sheamus' Brogue Kick look pale in comparison. Pun more or less intended.
On the flip side, TNA is pulling a WWE (obviously) and has resorted to releasing talent that shouldn't be released. The one i'd like to single out specifically being Joey Ryan. The guy was golden. That little gem TNA didn't realise they had. I mean, come on. Doing that gut check thing and basically flipping off both Al Snow and Taz was great. I feel like people should do it more often even. On top of that, his gimmick was fairly original (The cross between Tom Selleck and Ron Jeremy? WIN!). Nope, he's out.
Compare that with Taz signing a new deal with them to
One bright shining glimmer of hope though. Rumours have (once again) been floating around that Sting has sent feelers up north. I for one hope he'd get it over with once his TNA deal ends and signs with WWE. It'll help shut down those "get Sting to WWE"-supporters and he'll actually have a shot at cementing his legacy for real while he can still go (somewhat). If I was in his place, I'd end my career on the highest merit, and not in a company that's halfway through the earth's crust. Same for Angle too. If RVD can come back on a lighter schedule, so can Angle.
Not that WWE is pressed for talent. Oh no, they probably have the biggest pool of talent on their main roster already, and a couple more fresh talents (Sami "El Generico" Zayn, Paige, Kassius "Chris Hero" Ohno, Sami Callahan since today, ...) waiting for their chance.
Even more than in the past, TNA stands no fucking chance. I'll let Dixie believe that Hulk can make TNA grow, but its only growth is into the stale zone, with each passing "BROTHER!".
To close this exquisitely ranty entry, I'd like to reiterate what I mentioned in my previous blog entry (that went unshared). If there's ever a sci-fi TV show you need to give a shot, it's Warehouse 13. Being a moderate sci-fi enthusiast and history nut, my blood distribution is mainly in the genital area when I watch it.
Trust on me that one, just go and give it a shot. If you don't like it, the odds are that you quite suck.
~D.
Monday, 24 June 2013
Confessing and whatnot else
Buenas noches (as it is 1.30 in the mornin' right here)
Bit of a shady title, isn't it? Probably
It's because i'll confess shit related to entertainment. Here goes:
Kaitlyn's tit slip last monday was the highlight of my week. Despite the poor quality of the imaging, I could make out a well formed nipple, that had the world of wrestling fans drooling incessantly. It was fucking gold. For a totally hilarious comment about Kaitlyn's tit and Zack Ryder -> Check my twitter feed. Because repeating it on here would make it slightly less awesome.
Also, Cesaro teamed up with Colter?! Save from the insanity storyline-wise, I'm glad the casual fans are once more reminded that Cesaro is actually still employed. Can't be too sure with kids today and their selective amnesia.
Aside from that, Christian returns and gets near-squash wins? Mucho gusto. I half expected him to have gotten canned by now, for "creative reasons". I'm glad that every so often, WWE pulls out all the stops and proves me wrong. It's a nice feeling :)
There's no point in discussing wrestling any further. Seemingly, the only noteworthy thing happening is Zack Ryder bitching about being misused. Tell that to your former tag partner Curt Hawkins, and subsequently humble yourself.
Another confession then? Alright. This might be the whopper. I've never seen Star Wars ... any of it. No films, no tv spin-offs. I frequently browse 9gag and the pictures involving Star Wars (the majority of them) make little to no sense to me.
I read a synopsis, saw a few clips on YT and decided that it's worth absolutely nothing of my time. I get the feeling this makes me a cultural outcast, as seemingly 99.9% of people on the internet have seen and loved it. I'm sorry lads, no fucks are given on this end.
Another confession? I dislike another crowd favorite: Modern Family. Despite my unhealthy adoration for Ed O'Neill, I just cannot get into that series at all. The idea is good and all, but that reality tv style of having interview-like intermezzos just annoys the fuck out of me. Halfway through the pilot I had to turn it off, I was getting violently bored.
With my nitpicky behaviour regarding tv shows, I always end up returning to series I did (and do) like. I've rewatched all episodes of the Big Bang Theory twice, I went through How I Met Your Mother's 8 seasons in one week and I reckon I've been rewatching Heroes (possibly top 3 series of all time for me) for the seventh time. I'm in desperate need for new shows to watch, between episodes of the awesome series Warehouse 13 (If you're into sci-fi with a realistic and alternative history-like twist, check it out)
HELP ME!!
Something should keep me going until Iron Man 3 drops in stores.
Good non-existent divine person in the sky, I'm rambling. Better leave it at that.
~D
Bit of a shady title, isn't it? Probably
It's because i'll confess shit related to entertainment. Here goes:
Kaitlyn's tit slip last monday was the highlight of my week. Despite the poor quality of the imaging, I could make out a well formed nipple, that had the world of wrestling fans drooling incessantly. It was fucking gold. For a totally hilarious comment about Kaitlyn's tit and Zack Ryder -> Check my twitter feed. Because repeating it on here would make it slightly less awesome.
Also, Cesaro teamed up with Colter?! Save from the insanity storyline-wise, I'm glad the casual fans are once more reminded that Cesaro is actually still employed. Can't be too sure with kids today and their selective amnesia.
Aside from that, Christian returns and gets near-squash wins? Mucho gusto. I half expected him to have gotten canned by now, for "creative reasons". I'm glad that every so often, WWE pulls out all the stops and proves me wrong. It's a nice feeling :)
There's no point in discussing wrestling any further. Seemingly, the only noteworthy thing happening is Zack Ryder bitching about being misused. Tell that to your former tag partner Curt Hawkins, and subsequently humble yourself.
Another confession then? Alright. This might be the whopper. I've never seen Star Wars ... any of it. No films, no tv spin-offs. I frequently browse 9gag and the pictures involving Star Wars (the majority of them) make little to no sense to me.
I read a synopsis, saw a few clips on YT and decided that it's worth absolutely nothing of my time. I get the feeling this makes me a cultural outcast, as seemingly 99.9% of people on the internet have seen and loved it. I'm sorry lads, no fucks are given on this end.
Another confession? I dislike another crowd favorite: Modern Family. Despite my unhealthy adoration for Ed O'Neill, I just cannot get into that series at all. The idea is good and all, but that reality tv style of having interview-like intermezzos just annoys the fuck out of me. Halfway through the pilot I had to turn it off, I was getting violently bored.
With my nitpicky behaviour regarding tv shows, I always end up returning to series I did (and do) like. I've rewatched all episodes of the Big Bang Theory twice, I went through How I Met Your Mother's 8 seasons in one week and I reckon I've been rewatching Heroes (possibly top 3 series of all time for me) for the seventh time. I'm in desperate need for new shows to watch, between episodes of the awesome series Warehouse 13 (If you're into sci-fi with a realistic and alternative history-like twist, check it out)
HELP ME!!
Something should keep me going until Iron Man 3 drops in stores.
Good non-existent divine person in the sky, I'm rambling. Better leave it at that.
~D
Thursday, 13 June 2013
Other entertainment?
Hi
"Other entertainment" seems a bit odd, considering pro wrestling hasn't been that entertaining, but I digress. This is simply going to be a non-wrestling related entry. In fact, it's going to be related to video games. (I'm not going to lie, it's just going to be about the Assassin's Creed series, since it gives me happy boners).
First and foremost though, I've got to say something about the recent console announcements. Nobody cares for Nintendo consoles, since the WiiU is in no way competitive in terms of next-gen gaming. Our Japanese friends will have to be happy they completely trump everyone in the handheld market. As for the other two, it seems like Microsoft has made a huge mistake.
Not only does the XBox one look like a tacky VCR that no one wants to see in a living room, all of the other announcements have pretty much killed any momentum it could've garnered before the first one rolled off the conveyor belt. Honestly, I wonder what the people at Microsoft were thinking. Having to connect to the net once a day, fees for second hand games (even if someone borrows it?), ... I'm not going to vent on the backwards compatibility because it's been this way for the current gen as well. I've never been an XBox enthusiast so it doesn't really matter for me personally.
As a loyal Playstation user (since I got the PSX in 1998), I was quite happy to see the PS4 specs. It'll be a couple of years before I buy it, however, but to see that it trumps XBox One in every possible way (including pricing!) is very positive. Retailing at only 399 is almost spectacular. Sony must be taking losses on it, but it'll give them a nicer edge already.
Anyways. Assassin's Creed has been a particular favorite of mine, ever since the first game. It's huge in popularity for sure, but with good reasons. As a fanatic for historical events, I like the way that the creative forces behind the series have managed to provide an alternate take, and fleshed it out in a manner that can be perceived as realistic (aside from the supernatural elements).
The first one was a bit of letdown, compared to newer installments though. It could be considered a revolutionary game, but ever since II was released in 2009, its flaws have been highlighted more excessively. Repetitive in nature, no replayability, lack of ability to swim (which made the harbor assassination of Sibrand the Templar much more of a nuissance than anything). The second part was better in every possible aspect.
Being able to roam free throughout Firenze, Toscana, Monteriggioni, Venezia etc. in a renaissance era Italy was beyond superb. The upgrade abilities were superior, the armor collectible, side missions ... I could go on. The story was nicely expanded on, fleshing out both the bad and good guys.
Everybody loves the main character of II, probably because the gamer was basically living his life "while it happened" with added expansions of Brotherhood and Revelations. We all saw Ezio Auditore go from a 17-year old womanizer to a hardened warrior well into his fifties by the time Revelations ended. Besides that, Revelations also offered some closure to the story of Altaïr, the protagonist of the first game.
All the more reason for people to have gotten excited for Assassin's Creed III. Quite frankly, I was gifted the game and I'm kind of glad I didn't fork out full price for it. There were some added features to the game, like hunting and the entire frontier that could be explored, but some flaws were just too big to ignore. Glitchiness was a big factor and made it feel as if the game was a little rushed to accommodate to its rising popularity after the Ezio trilogy. I mean, having about 30 guards chasing after you, with no notoriety seems a bit odd.
Freerunning, which was a staple of the games before, was much less fun, unless in the frontier, even though you could now climb rocks and trees as well.
The story however, was pretty well executed. A lot of historical characters were once again part of the tale, much like characters such as Leonardo Da Vinci, Niccolo Macchiavelli, Lorenzo De Medici and Cesare Borgia had been before. George Washington, Ben Franklin, Paul Revere etc.
The Naval missions were also a nice added feature. Still, it didn't feel right. I might be biased, since I loved the Renaissance era games and personally never really cared for colonial America.
Despite all that, I'm looking forward to the release of IV: Black Flag. Featuring the protagonist Edward Kenway, father and grandfather of the playable characters in III. Wide open jungles and cities to explore, naval missions etc. I'll probably buy it once I've finished GTA V.
Now, I can't stress this enough. There's something I actively despise in the game business and it seems to be common practice these days: DLC. Playing WWE Games and AC games have made me painfully aware of it. If I fork out full price for a game, I expect it to be complete. I don't want to have to fork out another 20 to 30 bucks for add ons. I wish I could've played with Gangrel in WWE '13. I can't because I need a net connection to my PS3 (Which I don't have) and more money to buy the DLC packs. AC series is more of the same. I had the expansion packs for II because I bought it much later and got the "GOTY" edition, which had two added DLC (Battle of Forli and Bonfire of the Vanities). I would've loved to have more weapons available, cool new armor and extra stuff to play (Da Vinci Disappearance, Tyranny of King Washington) but I refuse to pay even more money for a little bit extra.
I don't "jailbreak" my trusty PS3 in order to be able to play homebrew games. Nope, I buy every game I want and have probably spent a couple of thousand euros in the past decade to do so. Why would I have to pay extra money on top of the sixty euros for a game to get it complete. Dick move, game business. Very dick move.
How about that? I thought this would an entry that would dry hump the AC series and I still managed to get some criticism in. I really fucking hate DLC. I so wanted to play with the unloved character Rain in Mortal Kombat, but no retailer carried the "Komplete Edition" so I had to buy regular. No Rain :(
The guy who came up with DLC should have a rusty spike rammed up his urethra, slowly. Ya fucker.
~D.
(any and all criticism about this entry should be sent to complaints@coitusyourself.fu or in the comment section. I won't care either way, but I'll still love you ... even if you are a dude.)
"Other entertainment" seems a bit odd, considering pro wrestling hasn't been that entertaining, but I digress. This is simply going to be a non-wrestling related entry. In fact, it's going to be related to video games. (I'm not going to lie, it's just going to be about the Assassin's Creed series, since it gives me happy boners).
First and foremost though, I've got to say something about the recent console announcements. Nobody cares for Nintendo consoles, since the WiiU is in no way competitive in terms of next-gen gaming. Our Japanese friends will have to be happy they completely trump everyone in the handheld market. As for the other two, it seems like Microsoft has made a huge mistake.
Not only does the XBox one look like a tacky VCR that no one wants to see in a living room, all of the other announcements have pretty much killed any momentum it could've garnered before the first one rolled off the conveyor belt. Honestly, I wonder what the people at Microsoft were thinking. Having to connect to the net once a day, fees for second hand games (even if someone borrows it?), ... I'm not going to vent on the backwards compatibility because it's been this way for the current gen as well. I've never been an XBox enthusiast so it doesn't really matter for me personally.
As a loyal Playstation user (since I got the PSX in 1998), I was quite happy to see the PS4 specs. It'll be a couple of years before I buy it, however, but to see that it trumps XBox One in every possible way (including pricing!) is very positive. Retailing at only 399 is almost spectacular. Sony must be taking losses on it, but it'll give them a nicer edge already.
Anyways. Assassin's Creed has been a particular favorite of mine, ever since the first game. It's huge in popularity for sure, but with good reasons. As a fanatic for historical events, I like the way that the creative forces behind the series have managed to provide an alternate take, and fleshed it out in a manner that can be perceived as realistic (aside from the supernatural elements).
The first one was a bit of letdown, compared to newer installments though. It could be considered a revolutionary game, but ever since II was released in 2009, its flaws have been highlighted more excessively. Repetitive in nature, no replayability, lack of ability to swim (which made the harbor assassination of Sibrand the Templar much more of a nuissance than anything). The second part was better in every possible aspect.
Being able to roam free throughout Firenze, Toscana, Monteriggioni, Venezia etc. in a renaissance era Italy was beyond superb. The upgrade abilities were superior, the armor collectible, side missions ... I could go on. The story was nicely expanded on, fleshing out both the bad and good guys.
Everybody loves the main character of II, probably because the gamer was basically living his life "while it happened" with added expansions of Brotherhood and Revelations. We all saw Ezio Auditore go from a 17-year old womanizer to a hardened warrior well into his fifties by the time Revelations ended. Besides that, Revelations also offered some closure to the story of Altaïr, the protagonist of the first game.
All the more reason for people to have gotten excited for Assassin's Creed III. Quite frankly, I was gifted the game and I'm kind of glad I didn't fork out full price for it. There were some added features to the game, like hunting and the entire frontier that could be explored, but some flaws were just too big to ignore. Glitchiness was a big factor and made it feel as if the game was a little rushed to accommodate to its rising popularity after the Ezio trilogy. I mean, having about 30 guards chasing after you, with no notoriety seems a bit odd.
Freerunning, which was a staple of the games before, was much less fun, unless in the frontier, even though you could now climb rocks and trees as well.
The story however, was pretty well executed. A lot of historical characters were once again part of the tale, much like characters such as Leonardo Da Vinci, Niccolo Macchiavelli, Lorenzo De Medici and Cesare Borgia had been before. George Washington, Ben Franklin, Paul Revere etc.
The Naval missions were also a nice added feature. Still, it didn't feel right. I might be biased, since I loved the Renaissance era games and personally never really cared for colonial America.
Despite all that, I'm looking forward to the release of IV: Black Flag. Featuring the protagonist Edward Kenway, father and grandfather of the playable characters in III. Wide open jungles and cities to explore, naval missions etc. I'll probably buy it once I've finished GTA V.
Now, I can't stress this enough. There's something I actively despise in the game business and it seems to be common practice these days: DLC. Playing WWE Games and AC games have made me painfully aware of it. If I fork out full price for a game, I expect it to be complete. I don't want to have to fork out another 20 to 30 bucks for add ons. I wish I could've played with Gangrel in WWE '13. I can't because I need a net connection to my PS3 (Which I don't have) and more money to buy the DLC packs. AC series is more of the same. I had the expansion packs for II because I bought it much later and got the "GOTY" edition, which had two added DLC (Battle of Forli and Bonfire of the Vanities). I would've loved to have more weapons available, cool new armor and extra stuff to play (Da Vinci Disappearance, Tyranny of King Washington) but I refuse to pay even more money for a little bit extra.
I don't "jailbreak" my trusty PS3 in order to be able to play homebrew games. Nope, I buy every game I want and have probably spent a couple of thousand euros in the past decade to do so. Why would I have to pay extra money on top of the sixty euros for a game to get it complete. Dick move, game business. Very dick move.
How about that? I thought this would an entry that would dry hump the AC series and I still managed to get some criticism in. I really fucking hate DLC. I so wanted to play with the unloved character Rain in Mortal Kombat, but no retailer carried the "Komplete Edition" so I had to buy regular. No Rain :(
The guy who came up with DLC should have a rusty spike rammed up his urethra, slowly. Ya fucker.
~D.
(any and all criticism about this entry should be sent to complaints@coitusyourself.fu or in the comment section. I won't care either way, but I'll still love you ... even if you are a dude.)
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