The saga of missappreciation.

Hola

You know, there's a good chance you'll turn away from this entry considering I've been lacing every post with how I think some guys are genuinely left to rot while having the utmost of potential. Yadda, yadda. Thing is though, as I now work per requested topic, here goes.

I was asked to list a top 10 of superstars past and present who I felt has been misused and underappreciated. I spent days thinking of names (since I genuinely have nothing better to do except collecting unemployment) and while it was a hard task, I succeeded with merit. No problem with tooting my own horn from time to time. That's not even a euphemism.

I'm not going to go down the list and actually make a "top 10". I'll just do them in the order I've written them down. Yes, I actually prepare by making notes before entries. Anyway, before I veer off too much...

Christian

Well, no surprise, eh? Anyone who has read my blog at least once knows I have a huge (figurative) boner for Christian. When a fellow wrestling fan I know in person (rare in my neck of the woods) asked me who my favorite was, two names came up. Him and the guy that's next on the list. Almost ten years later and that hasn't changed. Imagine how frustrating it is for someone like me to constantly have to deal with him being passed over. Well, Vince, you're wrong and here's why.

Why not Christian? Does he lack ring psychology? Nope. He can sell a story. Is he terrible on the stick? Have you fucking heard him? I'll grant you the sometimes lame jokes, but from his first day away from The Brood, he's been entertaining audiences alongside Edge.

There's where it gets serious. Edge. They're the bestest and longest of friends and partners. Great, but it has held Christian back. Edge was always the breakout star of the pair. He debuted sooner, and Christian came in under Edge's wing. He was never taken seriously as a singles star after that. Wrongfully, I might add. Post E&C, Edge became a midcarder and Christian turned heel, first feuding with Edge, later dumped into a stable with (among others) Lance Storm. Then came Captain Charisma. The sheer idiocy of that gimmick was quickly explored (the super-hero costume) and he subsequently became a fan favorite despite all of it.
A Goldust story, if anything.

We've made it to 2005. That means a great year for the man as he decided to leave WWE and look for appreciation in TNA. And by golly, he got it. TNA actually gave the man the opportunity to be the face of the company (AND a last name!!). Whether that was because of his ability to do so or simply because he was a familiar face to wrestling fans (i.e. WWE reject) remains ambiguous for the sake of the story moving forward. He gets two title runs and an undefeated streak like a motherfucker until someone with more star power pops around (Kurt Angle that is). After that, the Instant Classic was sidetracked. The TNA way, I suppose (or the Carter way, more specifically). Get a bigger name, the rest can fuck off.

He held out until 2009 after which he returned "home". ECW? Well, at least he's on tv again. Despite Todd Grisham sucking the life out of his return with his deadpan "It's Christian..." and Matt Strikers not-so-vague reference to his TNA moniker, he was the face of the show about two weeks into his return. Then shit became hopelessly stale again and he was given no opportunity whatsoever. 

Then Edge retired and Christian became the "best friend". He got to win Edge's vacated World Title only to lose it to Randy Orton (Randy FUCKING Orton?) 4 days later. No fair shake is what it is. That was the writing on the wall. I don't think he'll ever get the appreciation he deserves. He turned forty this past November. He should probably collect the money and call it a day. I fear it won't be getting any better. 

Great, I've written a whole epic and I haven't even made it past the first name yet. Truth is, the rest'll be a might shorter.

William Regal

Evidented second choice. And you know why. Is there something this guy cannot do? Okay, maybe the "Real Man's Man" wasn't particularly convincing, but still. Make him heel and he will make people hate him with relative ease. Make him a comedic persona and he'll have people laugh. He fucking rapped! Multiple times! 

Ask any guy who's on top right now about who they go to for advice and nine out of ten, the answer will be "Regal". His ring work is impeccable, and almost legendary. Legendary in the sense that he made Bill Goldberg his fucking bitch. He was supposed to be squashed in WCW but Regal kept the fucker going for ten minutes. While Regal did let himself get pinned, he was the real victor in that match. And he got fired for it. Because you know, getting a good match out of a talentless hack is unprofessional conduct, right?

Hopes for improvement in 2008 though, when the man manages to win King of the Ring with dirt sheets even reporting that the GM will actually have a run with the world title. My giant boner is excited by this time (equivalent to watching the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show in slow motion, ahem). Then he fucks it up himself. Fucking performance enhancing drugs. A world title is too far fetched, I'm afraid. It's done and over with. He's in a good position now though. Occasionally wrestling a match and for the most part just helping the young guys with undoubtedly great advice. Hopefully, it'll pay off. Look at Danielson.

Diamond Dallas Page

Can you feel the BANG!? I certainly could, before 2001. Page was a unique chap in the sense that he didn't wrestle until he was like 35. An age whereby most wrestlers are slowing down. Not Page, though. Despite being told he wouldn't make it, he fucking did it. World champ, extremely over with the fans (the genuine People's Champion I dare say). At one point, even a hot commodity in WCW. Then the buyout happened.

Vince, in his infinite lack of (creative) wisdom decided to utilize DDP as a stalker of Undertaker's then wife Sarah. It was his death warrant. Fucked over before he even got to it. Looking back though, DDP probably made more of himself after his active career than Vince ever could. DDP is now a guru, but the entrepreneurial kind who actually manages to do well for others. Just watch the video of the paratrooper who got severely injured on a mission. Through DDP's yoga, he's actually able to run again.

Then look at the accountability crib. He has taken in two of the most infamous guys in the business. Guys known for being unreliable due to their addictions. Guys he turned onto the right path, culminating partly in the events of last monday's RAW. Class of 2014? Make it happen, guys. He's earned his place among the greats.

Vader

Huh? Yeah. Fucking Vader. He's considered a WWE legend, right? But that's no thanks to WWE, at all. Vader is Vader because he made it happen in Japan and WCW. Where he was known for being stiff competition (pun completely intended). A guy who took a lariat from Stan Hansen, had his eye pop out of the socket and fucking finished the match regardless. That's simply Vader. In WWE, Vince wanted to rename him the Mastodon (it didn't happen thankfully) but he was turned into a jobber. The fact he's now considered a legend and has been given more opportunities in WWE post-career is a fucking joke. A 400 pound guy doing a moonsault? He did it. Sure, he was old school stiff, but you're not being a professional if you can't handle a stiff punch. I feel he always needed to earn more respect. Thankfully, he got it elsewhere at least.

Goldust

Surprising? He's being actively applauded these days. Thing is though...He was Dusty's first son to step into his father's shoes. He didn't have that eccentricity (at first) and he was always deemed "the son of". 

Then Dustin got saddled with the Goldust character. The death of any man's chances at success. Not him though. Like so very few before him, he totally made it work. He achieved popularity because he no longer had that "Rhodes" name to hold him back. Sour grapes prevailed though, and he's been let go so many times, I've neglected to count. Now he's back in full force, teaming with half brother Cody and it seems like his younger sibling actually managed to give him some credibility backstage. He's earned it. To actually make the Goldust character popular as fuck is no mean feat. I don't expect him to have any further success as a singles competitor though.

Paul Heyman

His managerial skills are well documented and he's certainly used to his fullest potential. It's however his creativity that is greatly underappreciated. Put this man at the helm of any booking team and you are guaranteed success (the same could be said of Jim Cornette). The thing that holds Paul E. back is the fact that he's so vehemently against the grain that anyone would be mental to hire him. His exploits at ECW are well known. Creatively sound, financially a fucking mess. Eliminate the financial factor and you've got yourself one of the smartest bookers around. He'll end up in the Hall of Fame regardless, but it won't be for what he does best: the creative aspect.

Jake the Snake

The guy that either invented the DDT or popularized it. That's not the point however. His return last monday signified his inclusion on this list (kidding, he would've always been on it). The overwhelming factor here is that he pissed his own chances away. True. Jake had plenty of demons to combat. A battle he lost on many occasions. He was never taken seriously, and that was totally wrong. 

Jake the Snake is one of the few brilliant minds in this business. Ring psychology is completely second nature to him. Ask Alex Shane who had the opportunity to witness that brilliance (so I've read once, it's why I picked him out). 

Watch any interview or promo he's done and tell me this guy couldn't sell a front door to a homeless guy. 

It's great to see that DDP managed to get Jake back on track, as it was a hard challenge (watch Jake's dvd "Pick your Poison", I nearly fucking wept.). The way he looked last monday, coming back to (what should have been) a standing ovation... I'm pretty sure WWE is not yet done with the revitalized Snake. So far, I've read that he's almost a lock for the HOF, so here's hoping. He managed to screw his own career over but for sure, he should've gotten a lot more credit than he's ever been given. Also, Jake the Snake for Royal Rumble!!

Raven

Everyone's favorite resident weirdo. This guy has proven to be innovative, creatively a genius and a fucking microphone scientist. He's got an IQ of well over 140 and it shows. Raven could drop you an elongated promo and you'd be hooked on his every word. That's fucking class. I once spent an internship in an office. I'd be sitting for hours on end in the archives, stacking paper and folding boxes. I had a couple of podcasts where Raven was asked about the art of being a babyface/heel. Two hours on each subject ... not a single word wasted. 

Yet, this guy was stuck on Sunday night Heat for most of his in-ring career either doing commentary or wrestling. WHAT THE FUCK? Then he goes to TNA, they give him a World Title before fucking him over big time and being left with nothing. Even TNA didn't give him a fair shake. Now he's stuck doing B-movies ... for fucks sake guys ...


Antonio Cesaro

Let me point out, that this is a hopeful case. It's just that his career so far hasn't amounted to his potential. But considering he's getting big pops for his giant swing, he might be going places. In 2005, WWE is where he didn't go. He got signed, but was fired before even clearing his paperwork. The guy that helmed stables such as Swiss Money Holding and later formed BDK in Chikara (highly successfully I might add) is now part of a stable who's main intent is to re-introduce casual racism to television. Blegh. Antonio is still Claudio Castagnoli underneath, capable of so much more. 

Fully aware that WWE is a uniform soup of nothingness these days, I still have high hopes. He deserves more than he's gotten. Simple.

The last one was a kicker.

Evan Bourne? Matt Striker? Kane? Simon Dean? Zack Ryder?

After you get going it's kind of hard to single anyone out. 

Evan Bourne is a talented high flyer, but unfortunately, the emphasis is on "high". If he keeps that up, he's fucked. 

Matt Striker isn't exactly going anywhere in WWE, because he's no longer employed. Thing is though, he was multifaceted enough to be kept around. He was awesome on commentary, had some great puroresu influences in his matches for any wrestling fan that got a kick out of it (as I did) and didn't do all too bad as an MC for NXT, despite being given fuck all to work with. 

Simon Dean is much of the same way. Good thing he re-evaluated and is doing something useful now. Dean, as Nova, was pretty innovative and he was a better Hogan parody than even Hogan himself. The fact he was made to be a modern day Richard Simmons, just less camp, is stupid.

Kane, the endless repetition of the story of how this monster was made into a cuddly teddy bear has gotten yet another chapter. Corporate Kane ... just no. I guess Mr Bourne left his ganja too close to the creative team. 

Zack Ryder ... well, there's no real point in discussing it, right? He tried, it went over, but grew stale fairly fast. He's got to redefine the gimmick and be less one-dimensional. But I don't think he'll ever outgrow "Superstars" again. He had a successful shot with his youtube show, but that's no longer an option. It's been done. It is a dead horse for TNA to consider playing with now. Good luck, Zack.

Fuck it now, I'm going to publish and have a smoke. Ciao.

~D. 

A stable entry. Laced with Fact(ion)s.

Sooo

In a first of 'write about this' I'll be delving into stables/factions. I don't think I can remember even that many factions to make a top 10, so I'll list the ones I can remember and state why I like them (or most likely don't)

Let me preface this by saying that I'm not particularly a faction-enthusiast. Far too many times it's something of a vehicle to give has beens a couple of young uns a coattail to ride on. More frequently than not someone who was too lame to make it on his own.

The Four Horsemen aren't fitting of that description. In fact, they're probably the best known to this day. Rightfully so, even. After their inception in 1986, they were made up of some of the best active wrestlers up to that point. The originals, comprised of Ric Flair, Arn & Ole Anderson and Tully Blanchard, with JJ Dillon as their manager. Pro wrestling royalty at its finest. 

Every single one of them had immense talent in the sense that they were entertainers but had the baggage to be credible as wrestlers. I think it's no more than fair that to this day they are the archetype of the pro wrestling faction. Even if the crop of modern day fans thinks everything begins and ends with DX. 

The Horsemen have lost their merit over the years though. Despite Ric Flair being an integral part of it in each incarnation (so was Arn Anderson, for most of it), the faction suffered from shady booking in subsequent incarnations. One could live with Lex Luger being included, but Mongo and Jeff "Slap Nuts" Jarrett were very questionable choices. It truly is for the better that the faction is left retired, now that everyone original has retired and have been inducted into the Hall of Fame. With the exception of Ole Anderson, that is.

Imagine the Horsemen being revived ... I shudder to think.

Revival isn't necessarily the best. While the result could be assuring a snigger left and right for a little while, it ultimately ends up as a laughing stock. Evidence is DX. When they got back together in 2006 it was a little funny. On (the far too many) subsequent attempts to revive for "one night only" it became very apparent that it was time to call it quits. The original should be credited in part for a wrestling revival as the team of Triple H and Shawn Michaels coupled with Rick Rude practically defibrillated programming after being in a serious rut in the early 90's. The whole anti-establishment thing defined the late 90's with Stone Cold putting many cherries on top of it. Luckily, it didn't falter with the inclusion of X-Pac and the New Age Outlaws after the passing of Rude. While the legitimacy has taken a fall for this team in recent years, their existence helped redefine pro wrestling during its last true peak. It shouldn't be pushed aside, just because Triple H is a massive dickhead.

Speaking of a failed revival... Bischoff's brainchild nWo. It was the predecessor to WWF's DX. It just took seven steps further when it came to fighting the establishment. Despite the fact that it contained a dickhead  whose Hulk was replaced with Hollywood. None of these guys were known for their innate wrestling abilities but could work the crowd like no other. Scott Hall was maybe the best out of the original three, but having been piss drunk on most outings didn't help. Glad to see he's cleaned up though. (Thanks DDP!)

Of course, like many of Bischoff's ideas, it got rehashed until it was a shade of its former self. If your final incarnation (in WCW at least) features Scott Steiner, The Harris twins and Major Gunns (whatever happened to broad?) and lasted all of four months, you're pretty much dead in the water. In that sense, you can draw parallels to the Horsemen, whose late WCW run faced the same problems.

Is it pointless to get into the incarnation that surfaced in WWE? Probably, since it became apparent very quickly that it didn't work. Now rumors are afloat with Hollywood Hack Hogan likely returning to the E, Scott Hall being clean and Kevin Nash being available an nWo reunion is in the works. I'm not a religious man by any standard (I believe the term is antitheist, pun intended) but let's pray that this doesn't happen. I'd like to see a return of Scott Hall to the WWE, just to show the world that he made it through all the shit and have that be the end of it. Please.

So far, I've spent my precious time on factions that I liked somewhat. Time for one that I don't. It's probably not even a popular opinion either. The Hart Foundation... 

Yeah, I said it. These guys had all the wrestling skill in the world, but the charisma of clubbed seal and the entertainment value of a pole dancing amoeba. Just for the record, that means none whatsoever. Two guys who can't talk worth a damn, later coupled with Davey Boy and Brian Pillman (and Owen to an extent). Everyone loved them, I really didn't. I'm sure Canada will have a Fatwa on me, but fuck me, Bret Hart is hands down the most boring wrestler to step into a ring. Perhaps TJ Wilson is a strong contender for that title (but he's actually a nice and thoughtful guy, which I've experienced *beats chest vigorously*. So, I'll go easy on him.) TJ isn't a strong talker, but at least his ring work is entertaining. 

Another one. One that could've been a success. Evolution.

By all means, Evolution was considered a success, because they dominated. I'm just fussing over their choice of members. Orton and Batista specifically. Batista has been hands down the most undeserving of a career in pro wrestling. Granted, that's based mostly on dirt sheet information and the fact he's worth fuck all in the ring. Orton may have raw talent, but it takes an equal amount of raw talent to sit through one of that boring fuck's matches. At least Cena tries to hype up his boring routine. When Orton was the Legend Killer, he had a good thing going. That's even the kind of gimmick you can keep up for a decade or so. They should have, considering everything Randy Orton has done since dropping that moniker has been dull and boring. "More chinlocks with that middle rope DDT, sir? Or would sir prefer a punt to the fucking head instead?"

In that sense, Evolution failed in my eyes. But I'm probably nitpicking.

It seems to me that in recent years, factions aren't really working anymore. You still have 'em but they seem to operate differently. There's no more dominance like there was during the 80's and 90's. Look at today, you've got the Shield and the Wyatts. Shield are the kind of faction that just shakes things up and the Wyatt family tries but fails to dominate. As a big fan of Brodie Lee, I hope they have a long and successful career though.

There are of course factions that worked well within their boundaries (Nation of Domination, excluding Owen Hart) and then there are factions whose main set up is a parody of itself (Main Event Mafia).

TNA's futile attempt at establishing a faction was interesting in the sense that it made me both laugh and cry at the same time. Aces 'n Eights was slightly better organised, but it was still a group of WWE rejects, with a pinch of nepotism. It made Serotonin look good. 

the future looks all too bleak for stables, I'm afraid. But then again, in my mind ... it was rather bleak in the past just as well.

~D.

updatey thing for the hell of it.

Bollocks.


That serves both as an introduction to this entry as well as my general perception of the pro wrestling business. Not really, just the internationally televised side of it.

Do I know who currently holds a title in WWE? Nope. Dare I bet John Cena is one of them? Despite the fact that he was heavily injured and was expected to be out for an almost paradise-like 4 to 6 months. Let me check .... 

of course he's the champ. I'll refrain from beating the dead horse some more and let you draw your own conclusions. There is one humongous flipside though. With his early returns each and every FUCKING time,  he's profusely shortening his career. While I don't wish the rat bastard any harm, he should fuck off for real ... preferably with his lady in tow. Since a change in gimmick (or even just alignment) that actual lovers of pro wrestling have been begging for since 2007 (that's 6 fucking years going on 7!!) and should have gotten two years prior, isn't likely to happen now.

Speaking of ladies, I religiously watch Total Divas, because it's the only way you can see the current crop of divas (and TJ Wilson) show actual human emotions. The show is so delightfully cringeworthy I continuously wonder why I'm wasting my time on it. I can't present an honest answer, but I'm pretty sure it's not for my entertainment. There's only so much banter about Nikki Bella's giant tits I can cope with before it completely transcends into fucking uselessness. It wasn't much to begin with.


Speaking of giant tits(*)... Hulk Hogan left TNA (YAY!) and is booked to return to WWE (NAYYY!). Well, the rumours are there, but you can be damn sure that both parties are interested. Each and every time these rumours surface (and end up true) I ponder over the fact that there are still so many people excited for it. Really? I mean, really? No, seriously... Is there another dead horse that I can beat?

 It would mean though that I am now able to watch TNA again. And still I don't want to. I'll end up having to watch NXT more often. Lots of indie favorites working there. Sami Callihan debuted like 10 minutes ago, Davey Richards and Eddie Edwards are doing try outs and impressing the shit out of the officials, El Generico has been doing well... It would even compensate for the lack of Chris Hero, who is simply back to being Chris Hero. 

That, or I could just stop watching it altogether for the time being. It makes very little difference. I don't know about you guys, but I'm pretty much done wishing for the status quo to subside and I sure as hell can't be arsed to scour the net for the really good wrestling. 

Perhaps, until the next time. Have a nice solstice and a good start to the new year. Perhaps I'll be back around March to vent over the missed opportunities for Wrestlemania. Why break with tradition, heh?

~D.

(*) The whole line about Nikki Bella's giant tits was solely for the purpose of this segue. Thank you for your understanding.

Slammed it!

Hiya!


So, I did watch Summerslam this time around. Found a neat little website and figured I might as well. I had heard some good things about the event the day after, so the likelihood of being robbed of my time was minimal. 

The pre-show started off well. Aside from the weirdly hairy Shawn Michaels (even more than ever!), the match on display (free for all!) was darn good. I've always liked Jon Moxley, but since adopting the moniker of Dean Ambrose, he's been positively "on fire". Pit him against a Rob Van Dam in good form and you get a good match. The finish was to be expected, and I'm glad that he gets to keep hold of the US title for a little while longer. 

The first match on the main card saw Bray Wyatt wrestle "for the first time". Against Kane no less. I didn't expect much of it, because an Inferno  Ring of Fire match doesn't really involve actual wrestling. The downside of gimmick matches (at least for me). The finish was quite nice, pushing the Wyatt family further as they should.

Next up, Cody Rhodes defeated Damien Sandow. It's a logical progression, having Sandow lose once to his newly attained rival. The fact they repeated that on the following SmackDown slightly baffled me. He is the MITB holder, fellas. Give him some momentum... 

As per usual, a potential main event is midcarded as Alberto del Rio defends his World Heavyweight Championship against Christian. Del Rio's submission victory is sad news (the return match on the SmackDown after is potentially even worse). Though, in all honesty ... as a lifelong "Peep", I'm quite biased. Big fan here. I'd even oil up his pecs if I had to. On top of that, whoever considered Del Rio main event material must have been hitting RVD's stash. He's a good wrestler and all (compared to a lot of people, at least) but I find him lacking in some way.

LO AND BEHOLD. A DIVAS MATCH. I paused and waited for a piss to come up before hitting play. Inspired by "Total Divas" (more on that coming). Natalya actually got match time. Quite the surprise considering her last real effort on tv was a farting gimmick. And she even won! hory shet!

But enough about that, because here's MOTY candidate to be. And as per CM Punk standards, it has become a MOTY contender. I've never considered myself a Lesnar fan. This match, however, was rock solid. Storytelling was on the money, Heyman involvement was plenty (but never unnecessary) and excitement was high. If at any point, wrestling matches could give me a boner (not counting Kaitlyn of AJ bouts), it would've happened right there. Lesnar obviously upped his game to run with Punk and the fans got treated to a top match. Kudos.

During the next match, my brain worked in overdrive as it suffered from a lot less blood flow. Kaitlyn and AJ ! And two other guys. Seriously though. Boners are hard to stay on (pun intended) when Big E. Langstons breast flop past your screen. Nice match, and nothing spectacular. But that's the bane of being sandwiched between MOTY candidates.


That's right. I just nominated a Cena match (!) as a MOTY candidate. Every right to, as well. I hate Cena's ring work as a much as the next guy, but it clicks with D-Bry. Even though Cena's lumpy elbow got in the way of the natural progression of the match, both were sickeningly on the money. like Punk/Lesnar, they got nearly half an hour of time and not once did it get remotely boring. An achievement for a match between a technical wrestler and a carnival strongman. 

Then came the end. After a couple of attempts Bryan wins the WWE title. Note, Triple H was the special guest referee. Out comes Randy Orton, clutching his MITB brief case. Shit is slowly making its way towards the fan. He turns back towards the backstage. Triple H turns as well, but in the alignment sense. Pedigree on Bryan. Orton wallops to the ring, cashes in and wins the title Bryan held for 18 seconds.

RAGEFACE EVERYWHERE. I got it though. Triple H and Orton side with Macs, establishing them as full heels. That makes Bryan a huge babyface (big deal when Cena's taking time off to get surgery on his elbow done). Meaning that from now on (until Cena returns, let's be honest), Daniel fucking Bryan Danielson is the top babyface of the company. Oh, irony ... the cash in was completely logical. It also makes sense why Orton won the MITB for RAW in the first place. He gets his long awaited heel turn and the overlapping storyline is good to go. I'm almost making the mistake of being excited for it. Yikes.


A few days after the Summerslam event, Darren Young solidifies his nomination for the "duhhhh"- award after poetically describing his love for meat cigars to a random reporter for TMZ. I obviously thought he was gonna get fired.
How the times have-a changed. WWE decided to "BeAStar" and fully support Darren Young on his outing. Wat.

And they're even capitalising on his renewed popularity. (HE ACTUALLY HAD A PROPER WIN!). Somewhere, Chris Kanyon did a barrel roll in his grave. He'd have been a multi-time world champion if he'd been around during the days that Pat Patterson had some influence. 

DISCLAIMER: Those are of course rumours that have been floating around. While it's commonly known that Pat Patterson is a connoisseur of flesh flutes, the stories of him forcing wrestlers to play a sonata on his are not proven. They seemed to be an excellent closing bit to this euphemistically phrased paragraph.

Here's the kicker of this entry. WWE produces Total Divas. Do I watch it? Yes.
Do I enjoy it? unfortunately, yes. Have I seen every episode currently aired? Yes, all five. Will I watch the rest of the episodes? ... 

Yes. I know that shit is mostly scripted, but fucking hell. I enjoy it for what it is. The amalgamation of brain cells starring on that show barely makes it past four, but it's fucking funny. There's something about Daniel Bryan Danielson failing to chop a block of wood in his own backyard.

Also, John Cena has the coolest swimming pool. For real.


Now, in closing on a completely unrelated note. Being the sadist that I am, I subjected myself to the performance (ahem) given by Miley Cyrus at the VMA's. A true gift to the world, this one. I like weird shit, but this ...? 

I don't think I could've cringed any harder if I had walked onto the set of a bukkake video featuring Gary Busey, Donatella Versace, Richard Simmons, Mickey Rourke and that wanker from Abercrombie & Fitch who looks like the offspring of Beetlejuice and a Gremlin, who had Down syndrome.

Well, you get the idea. 


~D.

Mistreatment

Hi


I saw a page on facebook where the 'admin' asked which WWE wrestlers were considered mistreated. I figured it would make for a nice blog entry if I took the names that were mentioned there and added my own commentary, as well as offer some names of my own.


First up

Charlie Haas.

There is one guy of which you could innately claim he was mistreated. At least as a singles competitor. Enjoying a moderate success tagging with Shelton Benjamin as the WGTT under the tutelage of Kurt Angle, but completely misused as a solo act. The guy had his chops, no doubt, but lacked virtually everything else. He was so insanely bland, it was almost torturous to watch him cut a promo. The mistreatment as such shouldn't have been a surprise. If you can't sell your act, you're essentially useless. 

The fact that Haas was rehired was a shocker, which made his second release all the more logical. Once he started to impersonate his opponents (and still jobbed to every single one of them), it was the proverbial nail in the coffin.

William Regal

Ah, one of my perennial favorites and also one of the most misused wrestlers in recent WWE history. Here's one guy who has everything. He's one of the best wrestlers to ever set foot in a WWF/-E ring and he will forever be remembered as the butt of many jokes, the most noteworthy of which come from Jericho. Here's one guy who is both skilled and entertaining, even having no issues garnering heel heat or deprecating himself as a rapper. 

Truthfully, his mistreatment is largely his own fault. Engaging in drinking (peeing on an airplane as a result), doing performing enhancing drugs ... which even caused him to miss out on a top heel position back in 2008. He had it all, winning KOTR, being cozy with Triple H and on his way to a top tier title. One steroid bust and it was all over. He's found a suitable position doing commentary and wrestling on occasion. He will still be the guy new guys go to for advice. With his experience, that might be the best suited option for him.


Paul Burchill

Also one of my favorites, to be honest. While he didn't get much of a chance at first, appearing on Velocity mostly (remember that? Because 75% of WWE's fanbase sure as hell doesn't!). Then came the pirate gimmick. That got over as fuck, for being simply fun and having a cool as fuck finisher. Of course, pirate gimmicks aren't for the long term. How it ended (disney lawsuit, necessity for knee surgery) remains a mystery. His Ripper gimmick was good, but never brought up to the main roster. That's until Katie Lea came on to the scene as his sister. And such was the birth of the incest gimmick. An incest gimmick that was painfully cut short because Linda wanted the senate seat of Connecticut for the Republican party and WWE became family friendly. Gone was incest gimmick, gone was any chance of Burchill to make it bigger. Alas, after being dropped and having jobbed to the Hurricane, it was au revoir for the Englishman. 

The man is now a firefighter. Yeah, you read it ... a firefighter. Meaning he's now a top babyface in my book.

Muhammad Hassan

This guy had the fucking golden egg during his stint in WWE between 2004 and 2005. Portraying an Arabian with a potty mouth wasn't difficult to portray when every American was ready to cause bloodshed to any Arabian with an attitude. Unfortunately, it also spelled his end, when an unfortunate timing made the network interfere in creative decision, forcing WWE to drop the Hassan character (key point: the terrorist attack on the undertaker, where piano wires were involved). Ironically, one of the terrorists was portrayed by the aforementioned Paul Burchill. 

There was no chance of Mark Copani ever reaching the heights that Muhammad Hassan made him reach. Also, it's best to remember that this whole saga gave birth to the character of Palmer Cannon. That's inexcusable in its own right. Good heavens, what a useless character that was. 

Someone on that page mentioned Bobby Lashley. Was he mistreated? In  short: fuck no. The guy got infinitely more than he deserved. This guy was greener than Finlay every March 17th.

You know who was? Kurt Angle

Huh? Yeah, you read it right. Kurt Angle was very mistreated, at least in his final stint in WWE. Forcing to work through an aggravated neck injury, only to make John Cena look good (if you haven't caught it the million times he mentioned it: he broke his freakin' neck and won the gold medal in the '96 olympics). He was  right to fuck off outta there, and it even excuses him going to TNA. 

I bet y'all can name plenty more guys (gals?) you can consider mistreated.  

Speaking of gals, what the fuck is with that Total Divas reality show. I honestly don't much care to know how Brie Bella wakes up in the morning covered in beard (courtesy of Bryan Danielson) or how much the divas don't seem to get along very well amongst each other. 

Let's face it, the most noteworthy thing the Bellas have done in their entire career is Brie's tit peeping a couple of weeks ago. It was a shapely tit, regardless.

I'll have to digress. I'm getting through 8 seasons of House MD (yes, Olivia Wilde). Painfully seeing how much I resemble the title character, personality-wise. Everyone loves House, but I can't shake the image of Hugh Laurie in Blackadder as the bumbling, slightly effeminate prince George (SAUSAGE TIME!) or as the lovable goof The Honourable Lt. George Colthurst St. Barleigh. Damn you, legendary comedy series featuring a starring cast consisting of Rowan Atkinson, Tony Robinson, Hugh Laurie, Stephen Fry and Tim McInnerny.

Yes, that was something of a plug for those who haven't seen it yet. (And if you have, watch it again ... you know you want to)


~D.

mike is a dick - clarity will follow

That is without any doubt the least inviting title I could come up with. Giggity.


Worry not, that will be referenced at a later point. First, let's talk about oily and topless men grappling each other for money and glory. (I can hear George Takei in my head shouting: "Oh myyyy...")

So, I was slightly baffled by the fact that last night was WWE's annual Money in the Bank pay per view. Regardless of the fact that I still think it was a shit idea to turn this match concept into a PPV instead of having it at Mania, it happened.

Most surprisingly though, was the outcome of several of these matches. As you know, both brands hold a MITB match, so two briefcases with a world title match contract are up for grabs. If any of you pegged a potential winner, your bet was probably off by a mile.

Who won then? None other than Randy Orton ... whose career has been positively dwindling since forever. Is Vince trying to score with Randy's now ex-wife and decided to reward RKO because for freeing her up? Be damned if I know. All I can say is that Randy's victory is at best a surprise. Can this mean the (VERY MUCH NEEDED) heel turn for Orton? I can only hope. 

Not that Randy is particularly exciting to listen to, regardless of his on-screen alignment. Randy's persona tends to come out in his matches, and everybody can attest that Randy's matches are for more interesting when he's heel. All that lacks then is a good theme. GOOD HEAVENS BELOW, I hate that "voices" theme.

Now for the total surprise. The other MITB match was won by none other than Damien Sandow. I like the character (a lot better than Michelle McCool's teachers pet Idol Stevens if anything) and he's got chops in the ring. My first thought when I read the news was threefold.

1. a joke by the creative team
2. a botched finish resulting in a quick improv
3. absolutely intentional.

Either way, I'm interested to see this play out. I would've favored Antonio Cesaro for the win, but alas. As long as Vince isn't "too pleased" with Cesaro, it's not going to happen. I still wonder why Vince doesn't like him ... probably because he's a wrestler. 

RVD apparently did well. I didn't see anything so I'll digress. 

At last! "Mike is dick" reference follows!

*insert traditional porn dialogue*

For some reason I've found myself stumbling upon Taylor Swift. Sadly, I mean her music. Not that it's bad (for a pop sensation, it's pretty decent quality songwriting even). A live rendition by one of her songs I came across, I noticed something particular. She holds the microphone (thus, Mike) way high, in an angle that makes it look as if she expects it to jizz on her face (which is the signature attack for a penis, or dick). It made me chuckle. 


That kind of works for "gangsta rappers" (though it still looks fucking ridiculous). For a "girl next door" it's downright weird ... and quite hot.

She's a one trick pony though, I've noticed. Sure, she can sing ... somewhat. But every single song is about a guy that dumped her or that she dumped. Her love life is better documented than that of Lucrezia Borgia (historical reference YEAAAHHH!) and possibly even sadder. Any way ... I'd do her  go out with her, though (AS YOU ALL WOULD, EVEN WOMEN). If things go awry, I'll at least get a song out of it. I never had a song written about me ... would be kinda nice.

Alas, season 4 of Warehouse 13 officially ended last week. Sad face. Now there's a six episode season left (THAT'S NOT A SEASON YOU CHEAP SYFY FUCKS), starting probably in september ... I'm gonna need rehab when it finishes. Normally, I'd watch NCIS in its stead, but now that one of the leads decides to leave after 8 years in the role ... that might start to suck as well.

Time for a chuckle, then.

This genuinely made me laugh. If ever it was appropriate to use the following phrase, it would be now:



"It's funny 'cause it's true."







That'll be all,



~D.

moar wrestling, less everything else

Ho ho hi there

For some reason, I feel as if ranting on pro wrestling still suits me better, even though I'm painfully unaware of what is going on. As it happens, I've been spending more time watching regular tv (although, regular ...) than anything else.

It kind of sucks, when the only available wrestling on tv here is "WWE Highlights of the Week" or something like that. Either way, the given title covers it. You get no fucking clue of what is going, since they show snippets with no form of backstory whatsoever. Second of all, commentary is overdubbed in either French or Dutch. Neither of which is helpful in selling me this programme. 

Dutch always makes things look more tacky than they already are, and with French, I only understand half of it, and it's tough making out the proper commentary (note that in this comparison, even Michael Cole blows away any form of dubbed commentary) between the flurry of "fah fah fah Jacques Swaggeur fah fah fah Chrétien fah fah". On top of that, the commentary team generally has no clue what's going on, as if it's Dixie Carter feeding them the lines.

So I resort to either results, or the uploaded versions on Youtube (I've given up looking for proper streams) or snippets. Speaking of snippets ... the irony is quite hilarious. Take WWE's youtube channel. Lots of boasting about how WWE is such a global product and that fans all around the world enjoy watching their dose of "sports entertainment". Try accessing any video on WWE's youtube channel and tell me whether you can get in (provided you're outside the US/Canada). You've got roughly 30% chance you'll actually get to watch it. Odd, since the company is a "global phenomenon". If you live in a country where wrestling is niche market, you're pretty much screwed.

I shouldn't complain though. WWE travels through my small country annually and does a show. I went once, and fun was had, more or less. My good mood sort of trailed back when the Hardys came out and I couldn't find a way to fast forward the match. The most drugged up of the two did fall flat on his face though. Felt slightly better.

Either way, my day was made when I shook the hand of Maria (and felt myself transforming into a silly fanboy; HEY, I SAW TITS UP CLOSE, I CAN'T HELP IT) and had to restrain myself from casually mentioning I had seen her magnificent can/cooch-combo in playboy. Felt good, man.

Ahem. Wyatt family debut imminent. I'm nearly begging Vishnu to have Luke Harper (or Brodie Lee) keep that magical big boot that has frequently claimed the life of Tim Donst and STIGMA in Chikara. Probably not though, since it'll make Sheamus' Brogue Kick look pale in comparison. Pun more or less intended.

On the flip side, TNA is pulling a WWE (obviously) and has resorted to releasing talent that shouldn't be released. The one i'd like to single out specifically being Joey Ryan. The guy was golden. That little gem TNA didn't realise they had. I mean, come on. Doing that gut check thing and basically flipping off both Al Snow and Taz was great. I feel like people should do it more often even. On top of that, his gimmick was fairly original (The cross between Tom Selleck and Ron Jeremy? WIN!). Nope, he's out.

Compare that with Taz signing a new deal with them to give more insightful analyses of matches  spew bat shit insane crap through a microphone. Good joke, TNA, but seriously. It also shouldn't be that much of a surprise that TNA is keeping Brooke Hogan employed, still. Yes, Brooke "I curiously look a lot like my dad" Hogan. The not-so-subtle flavour of nepotism that Hulk (brother!) Hogan (brother!) has brought into a once flourishing company. Yeah, Dixie may be a businesswoman, but she knows fuck all about the business she's in. 

One bright shining glimmer of hope though. Rumours have (once again) been floating around that Sting has sent feelers up north. I for one hope he'd get it over with once his TNA deal ends and signs with WWE. It'll help shut down those "get Sting to WWE"-supporters and he'll actually have a shot at cementing his legacy for real while he can still go (somewhat). If I was in his place, I'd end my career on the highest merit, and not in a company that's halfway through the earth's crust. Same for Angle too. If RVD can come back on a lighter schedule, so can Angle.

Not that WWE is pressed for talent. Oh no, they probably have the biggest pool of talent on their main roster already, and a couple more fresh talents (Sami "El Generico" Zayn,  Paige, Kassius "Chris Hero" Ohno, Sami Callahan since today, ...) waiting for their chance. 

Even more than in the past, TNA stands no fucking chance. I'll let Dixie believe that Hulk can make TNA grow, but its only growth is into the stale zone, with each passing "BROTHER!".

To close this exquisitely ranty entry, I'd like to reiterate what I mentioned in my previous blog entry (that went unshared). If there's ever a sci-fi TV show you need to give a shot, it's Warehouse 13. Being a moderate sci-fi enthusiast and history nut, my blood distribution is mainly in the genital area when I watch it. 

Trust on me that one, just go and give it a shot. If you don't like it, the odds are that you quite suck. 


~D.